


Begin Again

by kasumi_izukawa



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eventual Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Marriage, Moving On, Original Character Death(s), Pain, Plot Devices, Pregnancy, Romance, Sad, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 22:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8344417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasumi_izukawa/pseuds/kasumi_izukawa
Summary: It’s the small things you left behind that break my heart.Jumin Han dies in a plane crash leaving behind you, his pregnant wife, alone to deal with the grief. But how do you recalibrate a lifetime you’ve planned together? How do you start over when the both of you were just beginning? And where does Zen, ever so devoted, fit in to the picture?





	1. Dying and Defeat

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up until the After Ending. Based on the last conversation between Zen and Jumin before the party where Jumin asks Zen to take care of MC if something happens to him. Also, I decided to call the character MC. I just didn’t want to limit the main character or make her sound like a Mary Sue. This way, it’s more relatable to anyone who reads this. Lastly, I do not own the brilliant game and story line writing that of Mystic Messenger though I wish I was part of the team that brought it to fruition, even just a little.
> 
> This chapter is a prologue, of sorts. Just laying the groundwork for what this story should be. In the next chapter, we delve into emotions rather than just scenes so I’m excited for that.
> 
> I have never been to a Korean funeral and have written here based on research alone so I hope I did it justice. Also, to explain since I couldn’t fit it anywhere in the story, but Zen’s cat allergy has been improving. Part of it was cured psychologically (like the one where he gets allergies just seeing photos or mentioning the word) and part through the allergy researcher at the party. Though if he touches Elizabeth, he still gets hives and itchiness and would still need to drink antihistamin.
> 
> Also, I have this story fully outlined and planned out since I haven’t written a multi-chapter fic in years. So hopefully I’m able to post a chapter every week. I did kinda miss writing and though I know I’m not good enough to write books, I do enjoy writing fanfiction and getting feedback. Do tell me how it goes and what can be improved so I can do better in the other chapters. :D

**Chapter 1: Dying and Defeat**

Larger than life. That’s how he’s always been. It wasn’t because he chose to be that way. It was just because he was born extra-ordinary. As the eldest son of Chairman Han and next in line to manage C&R International, he attracted constant national interest. This reached its peak when the two of you met. Embroiled in a sudden engagement to someone he didn’t know and his decision to end it through the most public means possible ensured that the both of you were hounded by paparazzi all the time. You still remember the day you had to cling to bodyguards, head down with his arm tight around your waist, as you waded through the airport and the relief you felt seeing Jaehee, Yoosung, Zen and Seven’s faces.

Eventually, as time passed, a slow peace enveloped your married life especially since you aren’t as ostentatious as Jumin is and preferred to organize the RFA parties quietly. You would have gotten a job or started a business but your sudden fame significantly hindered your work life. Not to mention the fact that Jumin just insists you travel with him everywhere which would naturally infuriate any boss. Not that it was anything to resent Jumin for. He has given you so much love and care that you can barely be angry at him for anything. Besides, you know he means well and is just trying to give you his world. Nonetheless, you enjoy being his house wife, making sure there was a warm meal on the table, greeting him as soon as he gets home and easing the tension he was feeling brought about by a stressful day at work. You brought about normalcy in his otherwise surreal life and at home, he can let go of his mask and his loneliness and just feel.

All of that, however, is in the past. It hurts to be reminded that Jumin Han, the love of your life, is now just a memory. Your heart constricts at the renewed thought and a fresh round of sobs escape your lips which you muffle through the white handkerchief in your hand. You are thankful that tradition dictates that you can cry during the funeral because you certainly can’t suppress the tidal wave of emotions enveloping your body. Actually, you haven’t stopped crying since you got that phone call.

~~~~~~~~~

You were on the groomer’s table, brushing Elizabeth’s fur, when the phone started ringing. You absently grabbed it, not even glancing at the screen, before you answered “Hello?”. You expertly balanced the phone between your head and your shoulder as you try to multi task with Elizabeth. 

“MC, hello? It’s Jaehee….” You blink. Jaehee’s voice sounded….solemn. 

“Are you okay, Jaehee?” You ask, concerned. You care about every single person in the RFA. They’re your family.

“I…well, I couldn’t say I’m completely okay.” Jaehee was talking slowly and her nose sounded stuffy so you stopped brushing Elizabeth to give her your full attention. You have never remembered a conversation with Jaehee where she’s upset in the three years you’ve known her.

“What’s wrong?” Your voice was gentle, prepared to comfort her. 

“Mr. Han is…his private plane crashed and…Mr. Han is….he’s dead, MC.” You expected the worst to come out of her mouth but this wasn’t even in the realm of possibility for you.

This is unbelievable…and no, no, no, this can’t be real. “Mr. Han is dead, MC. I wouldn’t be calling you about it otherwise.” You acknowledge this. Neither Jaehee nor Jumin are prone to doing pranks. No one in their right mind, really, would joke about something like this.

“No…it can’t be. I was talking to him last night. He was fine. He was excited to go back home. He sent me blurry photos of his dinner. He…” Your voice broke as you started crying which triggered Jaehee’s own crying and then you were both sobbing on the phone with each other in your grief.

You don’t remember when Jaehee’s phone call ended. But you do remember that your phone never stopped ringing after that and yet nothing…. _nothing_ …could get you to move. Instead, you’re curled up on Jumin’s side of the bed, soaking the pillow with your tears, wishing this was a bad dream. That you’d wake up to his deep, soothing voice comforting you, calling you princess, reminding you how much he loves you. And when you’re reminded that he won’t be here to ever do that again for you, the pain restarts and so do the tears and the longing for him to just be _here_ intensifies.

Where was a Start Over button when you need one?

~~~~~~~~~

It was Seven who first arrived at the Penthouse. He found out almost as soon as Jaehee did through the regular tabs he keeps on all RFA members via hacking. He’s been through so much pain and grief and loneliness and had an idea what to expect but he still stopped at the doorway, deeply unsettled when he saw you. You were always so cheerful, so positive, that the image of you so devastated jars him a little. He bites his lower lip as tears creep into his eyes. This day, he decided, he won’t be cold and he won’t keep his distance. So he crawled over the bed and gently tapped your shoulder. You flinched at first, and you turned around with your hair clinging to your wet cheeks, your nose red and your eyes blurry from tears.

Seven’s red hair registered in your conscience and you whimpered, “Saeyoung….” You barely got his name out before you buried your face into his chest. He started patting your head in comfort. He didn’t know what to say because the pain you felt was also his.

The RFA members started trickling into the penthouse one by one shortly after Seven arrives. First was Jaehee who, though puffy eyed, stood and kept on the phone handling announcements and arrangements and trying to keep control of the press. Though technically Chairman Han would be the Sangju, he certainly can’t handle the logistics, so Jaehee volunteered. She never thought, even in her wildest dreams, that her last project with Jumin Han would be _this_.

Zen and Yoosung came together and, similar to Seven, paused at the doorway to watch you clinging unto Seven. Yoosung exited almost immediately, his tears restarting once he saw your grief. Unfortunately, hearing him cry made you cry that much harder. Zen locked eyes with Seven, conveying with a look what he wanted to say. Seven nodded his head imperceptibly and Zen left as well to the kitchen. He’s back a bit later with a glass of water, tea and porridge. 

He reached out and touched your back, “MC, you need to eat.” 

You hid yourself deeper in Seven’s chest. “I…don’t want to.” You didn’t have an appetite and wasn’t that understandable given the situation?

Zen frowned. “You have to. Given your condition. Please. You have to take care of yourself. That’s what Jumin would want.” 

At the mention of his name you started crying again which prompted Seven to glare at Zen. “Way to go.” He hissed. 

Zen shook his head, sorry for the mistake, but sat down on the bed regardless of your sobbing. “MC, please. You can’t do this to yourself. Not as you are.” 

You knew that he was right but you glared at him as you slowly (and with much difficulty) sat up anyway. You don’t say a word to him but he seemed fine getting the brunt of your anger if it meant you were eating.

They were all watching you intently as you ate, with Yoosung finally calming down enough to be back in the room. None of them were hungry either but none of them needed to eat and are content with just watching you act a little normal. Once you were done, however, no one knew what to do. You were just staring into space, clutching at the pillow, before the tears suddenly started falling from your eyes again. Before you knew it, you felt all of them together. Seven with his forehead pressed against your back, Zen with his arms wrapped around your shoulders, with Jaehee stroking your hair, and with Yoosung and the side of his head leaning against your left knee as he sat on the floor with his back against the bed.

The RFA is family and you’ve just lost one of your own.

~~~~~~~~~

You probably would have languished to nothing without the support of the RFA. They made sure you were never alone throughout that first night and during all three days of the funeral. Every time you were feeling lost and too consumed by your grief, you just needed to lock eyes with one of them inside that room so you could feel grounded again. And they never left your side. Zen and Seven took turns being near you as guests poured into the funeral home. It was Yoosung’s hand you clutched during the eulogies on the third day. It was Jaehee you sat with in the car towards the burial site. And all four of them stayed behind as the mourners trickled away from the grave. The tears have stopped now, but mainly because you were just so dried up. The sadness, however, remains. 

“I still can’t believe this is happening.” These are the most words you’ve spoken to anyone outside of pleasantries you’ve exchange with the many guests that came to the funeral home. 

“Me too. It still feels too…unreal.” Yoosung reaches out for a Chrysanthemum, brushing a petal gently with a finger.

Seven, hands stuffed in his pockets, says sadly, “You’ll heal. In time.” He knows this by experience and you know he’s right. You have to move forward. There’s no other way. 

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but we’ve talked to his lawyer and naturally, everything is left under your name.”

Jaehee was right. You don’t want to bother about money now. You’ve never loved Jumin for his money anyway. But you nod your head and gave Jaehee a small smile. “Thank you Jaehee. For everything.” She nods before averting her eyes, embarrassed. “Chairman Han and I spoke and I mentioned that you have been a more than capable assistant to Jumin. He’s recommending you to be the Department Manager of Marketing and Sales. He mentioned that it would be a shame to lose someone as talented and hard working as you from the company.” 

Her eyes snap back to yours, wide. “I….MC, thank you.” You also know that though this wasn’t her major concern, it was bothering Jaehee anyway.

“Will you be alright?” She asks and everyone is now attentive for your answer. 

You nod your head, rubbing your swollen tummy. “I have to be.” They’re worried and you think they have a reason to be. Grieving for Jumin is bad enough but they know it’s so much worse when you’re thirty weeks into your pregnancy.

**To be Continued**


	2. Open Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bitter sweet MC / Jumin fluff in this.
> 
> I had a little time to write and I thought I would get just one section down but I managed to finish the chapter. And I didn’t expect I’d make myself cry writing this. Jumin is one of my favorites in the game even though I had so many objections about MC being locked up. But he was the sweetest once the ice melted and I just…writing this broke my heart. Tell me how it was for you too!

**Chapter 2: Open Your Eyes**

The Penthouse was quiet. Too quiet. It wasn’t like Jumin was particularly raucous. He actually barely made a noise. But it was the little things you miss the most. You miss the soft padding of his sock clad feet on the carpet. You miss the sound of rustling paper in his general direction. You miss how he sings to Elizabeth sometimes with a deep, gruff, slightly off key voice. You miss the way he’ll whisper sweet nothings to you when he gets home past midnight and you’re naturally asleep. You miss the warmth on his side of the bed. You miss the smell of musk, sandalwood, expensive clothes and the scent that was entirely Jumin. You miss how he always wakes up before you, watching you sleep, and hoping every time you wake up that you’ll meet those clear grey eyes once more. You miss the way even his smiles are frugal: just the turning up of corners and the slight crinkling of eyes that signify his pleasure. And when you do manage to get him to laugh, you miss how he’s so consumed by it, the sound coming from deep in his belly. And you know by now that it’s because no one has ever made him laugh like you do. And you remember that every time he stops laughing, he’ll look at you with the softest expression. As if he still can’t believe you’re here, that you’re choosing to stay, that you love him.

Jumin has always said that you were his warmth. But now that you’re without him, you realize how his coolness was soothing to you.

And it was the small things he left behind that break your heart. There was the cup that he uses every morning to drink his coffee. The one with a montage of Elizabeth that you playfully gave him early on in your relationship which he prefers over all the fine china in the house. There was the entire cabinet filled with ties that you meticulously go through every morning so that he can be reminded of you throughout the day. It was how Elizabeth keeps on meowing at night, missing her master.

It was like you were surrounded by his ghost. And you can’t remember a single thing that doesn’t make you cry.

Everyone would consider you to be a strong person. Adaptable, even. The way you dealt with suddenly being thrust into an organization you weren’t even aware of with people you don’t know and an unhinged hacker that was blatantly after your life with very little fear or fanfare proved your mettle. You were confident that you could have taken any challenge in stride. And though you know you had to survive this for your child, living through Jumin’s death is still something that was hard to swallow. You were only three years into your marriage. You were just building a family together. How could it end when it only just begun? 

“Jumin…” you whisper into the apartment as the tears start again. “You promised me forever. Don’t you always keep your promises?”

-.-.-.-

Married life meant that all mornings were spent as a couple. Though it wasn’t unusual for Jumin to wake up before you, he never starts his day without rousing you from sleep first. The two of you had so little time together so you try and make as much time for each other and waking up at 5am was a small sacrifice for you. Jumin, on his part, has adjusted by going home earlier than when he used to when he was single and taking days off (much to Jaehee’s relief). So the days that you don’t wake up to his kisses always feel a little lonely.

Luckily you managed to convince Seven (with a brand new car care of Jumin and a promise of a supervised trip to the park with Elizabeth care of you, to which Jumin scowled the entire time and had you secretly followed by bodyguards, not that he didn’t trust you, but Seven was dangerous), he programed a video call function in the RFA chatroom. Besides, Seven said, that would also be very useful if ever one of the members got into a tight spot. You dial Jumin’s number and he answers almost immediately, as if expecting you. 

“Jumin…why are you dressed already? Isn’t it….4.30 in the morning there?” You always thought you were an early bird but really, his hours are insane. You were still in bed, hair messed up and bleary eyed while your intimidating husband was already wearing his CEO mask. Sometimes you wonder how you ever got here.

“I have a breakfast meeting with the resort investors and wanted to go over my notes. Besides, you know I don’t sleep well without you by my side.” Ever since you two got together, it was like a switch was turned on and he’s been more flowery with his words. But then again, Jumin has always been so direct that this wasn’t really out of his character. 

“I know. Elizabeth and I slept really late last night. We miss you. I miss you. It’s been only four days since you were here but I’m so restless.” You pause, not wanting to make this conversation so sad. This was part of his life so you have to accept it. 

“Now…where’s my morning kiss Mr. Han?” You pucker your lips at the camera, half lidded and expectant. 

He tugs at his collar as he coughs, a blush staining his cheeks. You hold the pose even when he doesn’t react until you hear him speak. 

“You…why are you so adorable?” His voice seemed resigned. You both know he can never deny you anything, even if it meant he looked a little silly. So he puckers his own lips and makes a quick kiss sound against the air, getting it over with as fast as possible.

You, on the other hand, press your lips against the camera (which really, he can only see just a slightly reddish blob on the screen) and make the smack as loud and long as possible.

He’s chuckling when you’re done. “I love you so much.” He touches the screen, stroking your hair.

“And I love you.” You respond as you pan the camera down. “And baby loves you too.” You giggle, raising your shirt so he can see your tummy. Your husband was not particularly touchy but he’s been prone to having his hands under your shirt and over your stomach ever since you started showing. 

“Daddy loves baby too, so much.” The baby seemed to react to his voice, pushing against your skin with a kick. You wince. That kick was particularly hard and it surprised you. Luckily you’re out of frame otherwise Jumin will start fussing again and will probably have Jaehee follow you the entire day. He felt like a different man every time he talks to the baby. Elizabeth seems to have heard her master’s voice and moves towards you, rubbing her face against your tummy which earned Jumin’s laughter. “I’m so glad they get along.” 

You rub behind Elizabeth’s ear as a reward as you pan the camera back up to your face. “Elizabeth is a kind, affectionate cat who loves you almost as much as I do. Naturally she’d get along with your family.” 

Moments like these still overwhelms Jumin. He planned to live his life alone, rejecting the presence of women and not entertaining the idea of a family. But now he had a family…a _family_...to love and adore and protect. He coughs, suppressing the urge to cry happy tears at how full his life is. “I’ll be home tonight. I’m going to take the private plane directly from the island to home instead of taking the commercial flight tomorrow morning. I just…want to see you as soon as possible.” 

You shake your head at him, inwardly pleased that he’ll be home sooner but still saying, “You don’t have to rush. I’ll always be here.” 

He nods in acknowledgement. “But I want to.” And you understand that this is his way of showing you how much he misses you and how it hurts to be apart.

You never thought that 14 hours later, you’d be apart forever.

-.-.-.-

You gasp. Remembering that last conversation makes it so hard to breathe. It’s been a week since Jumin died but the grief isn’t lessening. You just miss him more and more and the fact that he’s gone still hurts. You think it always will. Actually, everything hurts right now. Your heart, from the sadness. Your eyes, from all the crying. And you feel a little lightheaded due to the inability to rest this past week. You give in the desire to crumple down on the kitchen floor, tears streaming down your eyes. “I miss you. I miss you soooo much Jumin.” You choke out.

You don’t hear the front door open. The RFA is taking turns spending time with you separately and together, with Yoosung your most frequent visitor. It was Zen this time and he panics when he sees you lying down on the floor, crying. The last time the four of them talked about you, you seemed to be doing better. So he rushes to your side, stroking your hair. 

“MC, MC, hey…” 

You look up at him, whimpering. “Zen, I miss him so much. And it hurts…it hurts so badly…” 

He nods his head. “I know…I know you’re hurting. But you can’t stay here.” Zen tries to soothe you as much as he can.

“W-why are you here? D-d-don’t you have a d-drama to shoot?” You hiccup as you force yourself to calm down. Often you feel embarrassed at how everyone is taking care of you, but you can’t help it. 

“We’ve finished for the day and I wanted to see you.” Zen remembers the promise he made Jumin the night before your first party. It was his responsibility now to protect you, and he always protects his friends. 

“Come on. Let’s tuck you into bed. I’ll make tea and stew and get you warm and comfortable, alright?” He’s treating you a little bit like a child but at this moment, you just needed someone to rely on. Zen hoists you in his arms as gently as he can. He is very fit and you’re a pretty tiny woman but with the pregnancy and the care he needed to hold you, it was a little difficult. However, his footsteps are steady and sure as he carries you to the bedroom.

He deposits you on the bed and you thought he was going to leave right away to prepare the food but he stops, shaking his head, his white ponytail flicking, and shouts, “Driver Kim. DRIVER KIM!” He uses the loudest theater voice he can, doing his best impression of a scary Jumin. “Get the car ready! Now!” His eyes are wild and when he turns back to you, you see it out of the corner of your eye. His left hand was covered with faint trickles of blood.

**To be Continued**


	3. So Hard to Breathe

**Chapter 3: So Hard to Breathe**

The flurry of activity around you is instant and chaotic. You were, after all, well beloved in this household due to the kindness and care you’ve brought with you. You’ve even managed to inspire Jumin to be more expressive, grateful and caring to his employees. So it was more than just duty that kept them by your side.

You were, however, frighteningly still. Considering the implication of the blood coming down your legs, one would think that you’d be hysterically crying at this point. But somehow, something inside you just feels nothing. It was like you were too emotionally squeezed out that you feel nothing but numbness. And nausea.

But your mind is running a mile a minute. This entire situation all feels like de ja vu. Flashbacks of back pain and mild contractions and blood down your legs in the bathroom enter your head as memories and you squeeze your eyes shut to be rid of them. This can’t be happening. Not again.

-.-.-.-

You were twisting the table napkin around, over and over again, in your hand. You have been completely silent ever since you got diagnosed by the doctor. Even Jumin is unable to coax you to eat or speak. He understands you though. He knows that this isn’t just a coping mechanism but this is how you’re expressing what you feel.

Empty.

But though he understands, he doesn’t like that you’re being this way. It’s his goal in life to make you the happiest you’ve ever been. Loved. Protected. Safe. Wanting nothing. And he accepts nothing less than 100%. However, no matter how well he prepares, he can never completely outrun the curve balls that life throws at you both.

He watches you let go of the abused napkin and rub your hand over your flat abdomen before you look at him with the saddest expression and then start crying. “Jumin, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost our baby. I…I wasn’t good enough. Careful enough. I should have known since I skipped a week that there was a baby inside me. I should have been more careful. I…” 

He wouldn’t have it. He crosses over the dining room table in long, purposeful strides gathering you in his arms suddenly and fiercely. Your husband is an intimidating man, but his arms always make you feel safe. “No. Don’t say that. It’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t know. I didn’t know. The doctor said it was so early in the pregnancy that it could barely be detected unless we specifically asked for a blood test.” 

You pull back to look at him forlornly. “But I’m the mother. Shouldn’t I have felt it? I ignored all the signs, the back pains, the cramps…” 

He strokes your hair, soothing. “You thought it was your pre-menstrual syndrome. This happens most months. And since you’re monthly cycle is irregular, we take it at face value.” He kisses your damp forehead, his large hands cupping your tear strained face. “Princess, you didn’t know. Nothing could have prevented this.” 

You know that Jumin does not accept reasonable mistakes. He does not allow for anything less than perfection, no matter what the excuse. And here he is being nothing but incredibly gentle to you even after you’ve made the most horrible mistake a woman could make. And you can’t help but cry at how caring he’s being now. You don’t deserve this. You just basically _killed_ your child and here he was showing you his kind side. Shouldn’t he be angry? Shouldn’t he hate you? Blame you? Not want to touch you? You wouldn’t begrudge him that. Wasn’t that only natural? 

" **I love you.** ” He says fiercely, and there you have your answer. “I love you, I love you, I love you. Please remember that.” It was like he was reading your thoughts, knowing what to say to ease your fears and your hurts. And you start crying again but now you launch into his arms. You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve him. But you take his love anyway.

People, especially in the RFA, say that you have changed Jumin. That your love has opened him up to a different world. What they don’t really say is how much he has changed you as well. Love, you used to think, would not demand that you change. But if things remain the same, how can you grow both as individuals and as a couple? And you’ve grown so much with Jumin, in terms of maturity. You’ve learned to demand less and understand more. And you’re so very thankful that life gave you a partner that does the same.

He lifts you up into his arms and you cling to him like a koala, with legs wrapped around his waist and arms around his back in the rare moments that you wore sweatpants and a loose shirt. He would have insisted on spoiling you by sending out perfectly fitted yet comfortable clothes instead but you seemed incredibly stubborn and he’s learned by now to choose his battles. Truthfully, the trip to the doctor scared him more than he let on. Because though you’ve already managed to start untangling the knots inside of him, the thought losing you to things he can’t control still makes him afraid.

You slide down from his body once the both of you are beside the bed, head down as you insistently try to wipe the tears from your eyes. Jumin cocks his head to the side before sitting down so that he could peer up at your face, your long hair a curtain around you both. He takes both of your hands tugging them into his so you’re forced to look at him. “Don’t. I know how to suppress my emotions and though the skill might be useful in the boardroom, it makes for an empty life.” One of your tears fall directly unto his cheek, sliding down as if it were his own. You try to pull your hand from his to wipe it off but he doesn’t let you. “I never want you to hide from me. Not your joy. And certainly not your pain. Let me share in all of those. What was it that we said when we got married? In sickness and in health, in richer or in poorer, until death do us part. I’m your partner. I’m your lover. Will you let me love you through this?” He looked so earnest, your tin man. And you understand a little bit better how you are the wizard that gave him back his heart, not by magic but by giving your own. Now the most guarded man alive is asking you to put down your own walls, just for him.

You nod your head and position yourself over his lap where he cradles you the entire night. You both talk about the miscarriage. How it feels. How to move forward. The kids you’d want to have in the future. The home you want to build thinking you had all this time ahead of you.

-.-.-.-

You were as still and as silent at the hospital with Zen, unspeaking aside from answers to the check up and compliance to the many tests that you underwent. You realize that this has happened before, this was how you coped with things that are far above your head. The doctors, on the other hand, tell Zen that it was shock. He was not family but the doctors have made an exception for Mrs. Han’s friends at your express approval. You fear the worst when they walk back into the room and Zen looks incredibly worried. 

You look at the doctor, resigned, “Please tell me that the baby is okay.” You almost plead to them. 

Instantly, the blame game restarts. You haven’t been taking the best care of yourself, after all, despite your condition. You were just too consumed by the grief of your husband, making that as an excuse to let yourself go. And almost instantly, you want to start apologizing to Jumin. This was the last thing that he would want both for you and for the baby. 

“You have a condition called Placenta Previa. Basically, your placenta is lying low on your uterus which caused the bleeding. But the baby is safe.”

You breathe a sigh of relief upon hearing the last sentence. The important thing is that your child is out of harm’s way. 

“We’ll keep you in the hospital for overnight observation but the team of doctors that Mr. Han has created has come to the conclusion that the placenta previa is still mild. We’ve decided to keep the baby in you as long as we can, considering you’re still to early to have it. But we’ve adviced Mr….” You’d laugh at how the doctor needed to debate with himself whether to call Zen by his stage name or real name if the situation wasn’t so grave. “Mr. Hyun here that you would have to be put on bed rest. You would need to take corticosteroid for the baby to further his development just in case we need to deliver early due to the complication. You may also experience some additional bleeding but a few trickles is to be expected. Anything heavier and you would need to be rushed back to the hospital and we’d take it from there.” 

The old man, one of the directors in the hospital and one of the best in his field, looks at you gently. You remember Jumin telling you that he was a family friend and the doctor that was responsible for his own delivery. That was enough for you to trust him. 

“Please take care of yourself. Jumin would have it no other way. We will do our utmost best to keep you and the baby safe, in his honor.”

It was those words that made the walls crash down. You nod your head, overwhelmed at the support that Jumin is still giving you even after his death. The Doctor, you remember him as Dr. Park, walks over you and pats your hand gently like a Father would to his child. It feels like he sees right through you. Sees the pain and the suffering you’ve been through and a part of you is comforted by the understanding in his eyes. He motions to leave, nodding his head at Zen as he passes by, before closing the door.

You’re still crying as it clicks close and you look at Zen, voice breaking as you speak. “I can’t lose this baby too, Zen. It’s the only thing I’ll have that’s a part of him.” 

The material things would fade away, deteriorate. Though your motherly instincts are screaming to keep the baby alive, the fact the baby was Jumin’s and yours, that you made the baby together, makes this even more important. This was the family that the both of you wanted to build. 

Zen nods his head in understanding. He wants to comfort you, take away your pain, but he knows it isn’t his place to be so intimate. So instead he sits on the bed near your feet and reaches out to cover your knee with his hand over the blankets. “You will. I’ll help you. You know we all will.” You give him a watery smile. The entire RFA has been your crutch, your strength. You know you wouldn’t survive this without them by your side. But what Zen said next surprised you.

“Is it okay if I stay with you at the penthouse?”

Your eyes widen, his words effectively stopping the tears. “What, Zen? You don’t have to. I’ll be fine. I’ll take better care of myself. I’ll…hire a maid even. I’ll be okay. Don’t…rearrange your life for me.” 

He shakes his head. “I’m not. I won’t be. And you heard the doctor. You require bed rest and the bleeding could restart any time. Depending on the gravity, we need to be able to get you back into the hospital at any moment.” 

The truth is, the doctor explained to him the finer details of your condition and the risks you were facing. He knows that the next few weeks are critical. The baby is not fully developed yet and should stay inside of you until the 37th week, anything less than that will lessen the baby’s survival rate significantly. At this point, he doesn’t think you could take another loss. And though he dislikes Jumin, he still wants for his baby to survive. “I’m just worried about you, MC. You know this is the best option for you and your baby. I have the most free time out of all of us.” 

You know he’s making sense. And the seriousness of his expression makes it seem like he won’t take no for an answer. But still, you hesitate. 

“Remember what I promised Jumin around three years ago? That in the 0.0001% chance that something happens to him, I would protect you. I intend to keep that promise.” 

It was so similar to what the doctor said earlier. And the feeling of Jumin protecting you even after he passed has come back. So you nod your head in resignation and gently smile at him, grateful for how honorable Zen is being by keeping his promise. “Thank you.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No cliffhangers this time! I’m so motivated to write this because I just can’t get the plot out of my head. Haha. And I’m redoing Jumin’s route just to get another of his character beyond all the control issues. Even if, you know, I killed him in this story. But sweet Jumin exists in the flashbacks and he’s just precious. Zen I also actually love in every route. He’s just sweet and direct and emotional, but a little less complex than the others. Not that they don’t deserve love of their own, each and every one of them. The little munchkins.  
> If anyone is curious, the timeline so far is as follows:  
> RFA Party. 3 mos after = wedding and honeymoon (based on after ending). 1 mo after the wedding = miscarriage (it was a honeymoon baby). 2 years after = 2nd pregnancy. 30 weeks after = Jumin dies. 1 week after = Zen takes her to the hospital (ch 2).  
> Tell me what you think of this chapter! Hopefully I didn’t bore you with all that medical jargon. I tried not to dwell on it too much but at the same time, sufficiently explain what MC’s condition is and why this is happening.


	4. One Step at a Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff in between the drama. And a little introspection at how Zen feels towards MC. I plan on taking you guys through MC’s journey of loss, heartache and eventually gaining strength and moving on so hopefully I’m conveying all the emotions decently.

**Chapter 4: One Step at a Time**

Zen feels like he’s at work. The sheer number of cameras and news agencies rivals that of the red carpets he’s managed to attend with his job. There are even fans all around the area. Zen doesn’t think he’s even had a press conference in this magnitude. In fact, he’s only seen such a scene at fancy awards shows. But then again, he’s never really understood all the fanfare around Jumin. Sure, he’s pretty good looking and tall, but wasn’t that just a consequence of his wealth and genes? Besides, Zen is so much better looking than him not to mention more approachable due to his friendly personality. He has to admit though that ever since you and Jumin got together, he’s been….thawing, really was the only appropriate word. Not only was he extremely expressive about his adoration of you, but he’s been kinder to Jaehee as well. And the lessening hostility that Jumin directed at Zen’s way was also jarring to him. The only time that Jumin did treat him like before is when he shows jealousy at not being the only man in your life which, he thinks, will lessen now that you’re getting married. Elizabeth the third was also mentioned less in conversations replaced by an outpouring of compliments to you, much to Zen’s relief. Though Jumin relishes in sending photos of you and Elizabeth the third together, but Zen minds that less.

Any opportunity to see your face is always a good one.

Zen wasn’t lying when he said he would never touch a friend’s woman. But the truth of the matter is, all of them met you at the same time and all of them got exposed to your brand of kindness. Zen’s default mode is to flirt and normally that means he can easily charm any woman so he was pretty disappointed when you didn’t turn your attentions to him. He initially dismissed the disappointment as getting his pride hurt though. At some point over the course of those monumental 11 days, the line got blurred between friendship and having a crush. He remembers the first night that you were at Jumin’s penthouse and you told him about wanting to wear Jumin’s pajamas. There was a flare of _something_ in his gut that couldn’t be contained so much so that when you and Jumin were in a chat room with him, his fingers automatically typed ‘I cherish this lady.’ It only snowballed from there. The more that Jumin tried to confine you, the more angry and afraid on your behalf he was. He wanted you out of there as soon as possible. But even then he refused to admit that he felt more than a gentlemanly care and worry for you.

The moment he knew he was in trouble was when he met you at the party. Dressed elegantly in this fancy blue gown that Jumin picked out, you looked nothing short of the princess in his dreams. Oh, he’s seen more beautiful faces. If he was being objective, even Echo Girl is prettier looks wise. But you had this aura that made you shine and a gentle kindness that made you so precious. Your earnest laugh and the way it tinkles with unabashed joy lights up his spirits. He knows now why Jumin would want you all to himself because he felt the same. His eyes kept getting drawn to where you are in the room as if his soul was just grounded towards you. The big party and the mayhem actually gave the perfect excuse to stick close to you and even monopolize you versus the many other guests that were vying for your attention. That was until Jumin started his press conference and the focus, especially yours, was riveted to Mr. Trustfund Kid. Everything was so fast after that. His surprise culminated when he physically jerked back as Jumin suddenly proposed and you easily said yes. The sinking feeling in his heart and the sudden urge to scream his objection to this union wasn’t excusable anymore. Again, it wasn’t that he planned on stealing you from Jumin. He just wished he had a chance.

Now, it seems the nail on the coffin to this one-sided love is about to be driven in. As you say your vows and kiss your new husband amidst the flashes, Zen takes a deep breath and exhales with a whispered ‘Goodbye’. He’s an actor and he’s also a master of emotions in the sense that he knows what to project at the appropriate time so he instantly mustered up a smile. Besides, seeing the joy on your face made it easier to feel happy for you.

-.-.-.-

“Mmmmm…” You are pleasantly awoken by the feel of long fingers tracing your jaw and your outer ear, making the aches in your body almost inconsequential.

You hear a low, rough voice chuckling so close in front of you. “You look like such a pleased little kitten when you smile like that.” 

With your eyes still closed, you feel a wet kiss on your nose followed by one on your lips. “Rise and shine, my beautiful wife. Though we can afford to stay in bed, it’s almost eleven and we haven’t eaten a thing.” 

You refuse stubbornly, snuggling towards the general direction of his body. “We don’t need food Jumin. We have each other.” 

You’re pouting which makes him laugh again, shifting his body so that he can fully embrace you. You realize that he’s shirtless and you’re wearing a silk pajama top that was entirely too big for you which was puzzling. You distinctly remember how you consumed your marriage last night and was too exhausted to get dressed after. Still, you can’t be bothered to ask, assuming (correctly) that Jumin was the one who covered you up. 

“Don’t be stubborn, princess. You know that though love can do many wonderful things, we need food and drink to keep us alive.” He starts rousing you by gently placing kisses all over your face: your forehead, your eyebrows, your eyelids, your cheek, under your jaw and against your neck before he whispers against your ear, “If you’re good and eat right I might even give you a reward.”

You crack your eyes open at this. Jumin has never hidden his want of you even at the onset of your relationship. But you also know that he’s shown you how much he cherishes you by waiting until marriage. Of course, the fact that the marriage took only three months to plan tipped you at how impatient he was really being. But the gesture only means that he wasn’t just after your body but also your heart and soul. You also know he fears that he would be like his Father which why he has never bothered with women until now so even if it would seem like things progressed far too fast in your relationship, you also know it’s a contract that he intends to keep. 

“And if I’m naughty?” You purr. 

His eyes darken at this. “Don’t tempt me, sweety.” 

You feel a little thrill at being able to tease him like this without being mindful of the consequences. Marriage, you finally realize, is such a gift.

He untangles his body from yours and places a small amount of distance between the two of you, a sign that you know means he’s trying to control his desire. “As much as I would want to…test that theory, I really would rather have that meal with you. That way you could have enough energy for everything I plan to do to you within the day.” 

Realizing that caring for you is another side to his love, you nod your head in agreement which prompts him to move out of the bed.

“Hmmmm….” He turns to look at you curiously at the pleased sound you just made. 

“What?” His eyes are firmly planted to yours, being mesmerized at how expressive they are and how right now you aren’t even hiding your appreciation. 

“It’s just that…my husband is very handsome. I understand completely how you’ve been the most wanted bachelor in the entire time you were single.” 

Despite the fact that he is not all that vain about his looks, he still feels a surge of pride at being able to please you in this little matter. “Well I am happily now removed from that list as I am no longer a bachelor. Not that it is important to me anyway. All I need is you.” He bends over to kiss you once more on your lips. “Rise and shine, my sleeping beauty. We have an entire island, and each other, to explore.”

 -.-.-.-

The smell of pancakes has somewhat become your alarm clock. Jumin is, surprisingly, a very efficient cook even if he always does it by the book. He’s just the type of person that gives all his effort in everything that he does. His precision, however, stresses you out during the times you watch. He measures everything by the gram, making sure he follows recipes to a T which you think takes the fun away from cooking. You never expected him to be so domesticated though and appreciate the times when a chef isn’t called simply because he wants to spoil you himself.

“MC, rise and shine.”

You’re jolted awake by a different voice, smoother and a little more feminine in pitch, though not entirely girly. The smell is still lingering in the air but…something was off. This rouses you from the realm in between sleep and reality and you are greeted with white hair and red eyes in front of your bed instead of the black haired, grey eyed husband you were expecting. 

“Ouch. I don’t think any woman would look as disappointed to see me standing at the foot of their bed holding breakfast as you were just now.” 

You flush, embarrassed at your own rudeness. “Sorry, sorry…it’s just…you reminded me of something.” 

He nods in understanding. Jumin was Zen’s friend too, even if the both of them barely showed it. And he’s still grieving, same as you. A few weeks after his death wasn’t going to be enough to heal you.

Trying to shove the feeling of missing him away, you slowly prop yourself up on the bed and rearrange the pillows so you’re more comfortable. “You made breakfast for me. You shouldn’t have.” 

Zen has been the quintessential mother hen. Though Jaehee had a lot of hesitations regarding this set up, it seemed like she too was resigned with the situation and understood that you can’t be left alone in your condition. In fact, if they were often visitors to your home after Jumin’s death, they are staying far more frequently after you got out of the hospital. This is especially true if Zen is needed for late night or out of town shoots. 

“I wanted to.” Zen says earnestly. He places the waffles, milk and medicine on the bed side table and easily lifts one of the chairs in the room so he can sit in front of you to watch you eat.

He starts speaking after you take your first bite. “So, we just wrapped up filming for the series. Which means that I’ll have more time to be around.” 

You smile. Zen has always been so passionate about his work and in the last three years, his dedication has been recognized. He’s now considered one of the most sought after leading men in the industry due to his professionalism, talent and unrivaled looks. 

“That’s good. I can’t wait to see it. I’m sure it would be another hit, though you refuse to give us any hints at all on how the story would go.”

He runs his hand through his bangs suavely. “Isn’t it enough that I am in it?”

This makes you giggle, glad that at least the people around you are not treating you like glass and are being their old selves. “Of course, of course. You know Jaehee and I are big fans. We’ll be tuning in every week once it airs, at the edge of our seats. You’ll never hear the end of it.” Though Jaehee clearly was the bigger fan girl and Jumin would sometimes get really jealous at how you’d fawn over another man, you often can’t help get weaved into the stories that Zen tells.

You continue to eat in silence, the lingering feelings of the dream-memory you’ve just had weaving through your emotions. Half way through, you start talking about it. 

“Did you know that Jumin used to love making me strawberry pancakes?” Zen watches you carefully as you speak. It was moments like these that make him feel out of place. Like he’s having an insight into something so private and precious that, though he wants to, can never be a part of.

“I know. He announces it in the messenger every time he plans on making you some.” 

You nod as you continue going through the waffles Zen had prepared for breakfast. “It would take him so long to make actually. It’s because he’d make sure to cut the strawberry up in the same sizes and get it evenly on the batter. One time, Elizabeth the third distracted him by being cute and the pancakes burned and he was so surly the entire morning. It was funny.” 

The first tear drops and Zen sits up, alert.

You just bravely wipe it away instead of letting yourself break down again. “I was looking forward, actually, to one day wake him up in bed with strawberry pancakes held by little hands and a tiny voice that would say ‘Good morning, Daddy.’ To watch sloppy, sticky fingers feed him and give him the love he never had as a child.” You rub your belly now, grateful that despite the scare at the hospital, your baby is still here with you. The air is heavy with thoughts of what could have been and you’re reminded, with a pang, how that wasn’t going to happen anymore. Another tear falls down your cheek, slower this time than the first.

Zen stands from the chair to kneel in front of you as he takes your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Jumin and I, we never saw eye to eye. But I know him well enough to say that in the time that you were with him, you made up for all the love he lost growing up.” 

You nod your head, able to believe his words. “If I had known that he was going to leave this soon, I would have done more.” 

Zen, in understanding, similarly nods his head. “I think that loving someone doesn’t stop after they die. I think…loving yourself because of them, keeping a memory of them, making sure that you live a happy and full life even without them is your way of thanking them for the time you spent together.” He remembers how all five of them got over Rika’s ‘death’ and eventually V’s. How moving on, though painful, was necessary. 

You take a deep breath, bracing yourself to being a little less gloomy today. “One step at a time.” 

He nods, echoing your words. “One step at a time.”

**To Be Continued**


	5. The New Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought long and hard on how V’s real story line would intertwine with Jumin’s (and not Seven’s) route. In this story, the entire ordeal happened after the party and before the wedding which is why MC and the rest of the RFA call Seven Saeyoung instead. Also, I decided to follow the canon that V dies but neither Zen nor Yoosung know the truth. And Zen still sent Rika to a facility in Alaska.  
> Just a tiny bit of drama this time but I hope I’m planting all the right seeds to where I want this story to go.

**Chapter 5: The New Normal**

Jumin brushes the leaves off the headstone before placing the bouquet of Chrysanthemums on the grave as you knelt to say your prayers. You’ve just gotten back from your honeymoon and he finally tells you how things with V panned out. You were surprised, of course. You already thought that a random hacker that was after your life was enough drama but when you realized how tangled the web has been weaved, you needed to sit down and wrap your head around the complexity of it all. Still, V, in the small capacity you knew him, seemed like a kind man and he did not deserve his fate. After asking about Seven…no Saeyoung now, and his brother, you asked Jumin if you could visit V’s grave.

Your sober husband is standing behind you, watching you behind dark glasses and the sleek backed hair which he favors lately which makes him look a lot more stern than usual. You would have been a bit miffed at him for not telling you about everything he had to deal with regarding this situation earlier if you did not also understand that he still has some trouble opening up. He did also explain that he didn’t want to taint the joy you had in planning and having your wedding but did intend to eventually tell you the truth. Though you were shocked and saddened by the news, you know that he is feeling a deeper grief you can’t reach. You barely knew V after all while he’s had V his entire life. So you say solemn prayers on his behalf before standing. You were startled, though, at how quickly and firmly your new husband wrapped his arm around your waist. 

“I’ve spent a lot of my life with V, you know. He never wanted anything from me other than my trust. And in return, he earned it.” He squeezes your hip. 

You know he’s talking through this to deal with his emotions, untangling threads that only you are able to see so that they don’t remain knotted up inside him like before. “I should have helped him more. I should have insisted he got that eye surgery. I should have stopped him from pursuing Rika. I didn’t know he was that deep in the organization. I should have intervened, even if I had to go to my Father to do it.” 

You lean your head against his chest, trying to give him strength through your presence. “Please don’t blame yourself for what happened to him, Jumin. He was an honorable man who wanted to fix his own problems and win back his love. It wasn’t a situation that you could have involved yourself in. And you did the best that you can to help. Not to mention helping Saeyoung.” You cover the large hand on your hip with your own. “We all have our problems, our issues and things need to happen to resolve it. I just wish V could have lived a happier life.” A part of you really hates what Rika has done to him, but you can’t really blame a person that has her own struggles. It wasn’t in your nature. 

He clenches his jaw before speaking again, “Logically, I don’t understand why he would put himself in that much danger, enough to lose his life, for a woman that barely cared about what he wanted in the end. But…I have you now and I understand what the lengths a man can go to for his woman.” His stare is intense, his grey eyes more stormy than normal. 

You reach out to touch his strong jaw with gentle fingertips. 

“I miss him though.” You figured as much so you nod your head. He fell in love with you because you understood him beyond the robotic veneer he tried to present and saw the man inside craving for genuine love. “I miss the more carefree days when all we cared about was school, or the times we discussed how I could avoid my new step mother, or the nagging I get to be more social.” He presses his free, gloved hand over his eyes: a sign you know means he’s suppressing his tears. 

“So this is what it feels like when a loved one dies.” He rubs his eyes in a bid to get rid of the emotion. You know he’s hurting so you stand on your tip toes and press a kiss to his cheek (you would have kissed his eyes but Jumin is _really_ tall). 

He looks at you intently for a few moments before saying, “One day, hopefully when we’re old and grey, one of us will be left behind. And if it’s me, if I go before you, I want you to take care of yourself. To live a full and happy life. To fall in love again, if you can. Please remember that what I most desire, even after death, is for you to be happy.”

-.-.-.-

Zen was just passing by the living room en route to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He was holed up in his room the entire day reading through a movie script his manager sent and didn’t realize it was almost dusk. Passing by the living room, he stops at the sight you made, breath hitching in his throat. You were sprawled over the sofa, covered in a blanket and with several pillows around you. Scattered over and in between the pillows were a few albums. What caught his eye, however, was the smile on your face. It was a smile you haven’t given to anyone these past few weeks, a smile that expressed fondness and joy with a hint of longing. He stands there for a moment, observing the way the pink-orange sky filtering through the floor to ceiling windows painted your face with pretty colors. The softness of motherhood really suits you and Zen feels a tug in his heart that he thought he’s long forgotten. He shakes his head, shoving it away because though those feelings have always been there, by all intents and purposes you are still Jumin’s woman and he can’t be having these thoughts. 

“What are you looking at?” He moves behind the sofa so he can peer over your shoulder. 

“Photo albums. Jumin has a lot of them. Aside from the formal photos they take of him every year for the company and to send his mother, he was V’s first subject while he was still learning.” You turn the album to the first page to show Zen pictures of a blurry, nine year old Jumin. “You’d see the pictures getting more artistic over time. There are even pictures of you guys at the RFA parties.” You try to reach for an album that was tucked near your feet but your large tummy won’t let you bend that far. Zen laughs and takes the album easily which makes you pout. “Being pregnant has its disadvantages. Like not being able to move so much.” 

He pats your head gently in response. “More advantages than disadvantages, I think. Pregnancy suits you.” He says softly which makes you blush. You never get used to how expressive and flirty Zen is.

Zen opens the album you were reaching for. True enough, they were photos from the parties that official photographers and sometimes, the media took. You both browse through one album each, dwelling in fond memories. Eventually Zen’s album faded into pictures of the RFA interspersed with pictures of you and Jumin together. From your wedding photos to sweet ones from your dates and anniversaries and selfies you took with your camera. When Zen was laughing at one where you formed Jumin’s hair into cat ears and painted a nose and whiskers on him, you peered up to see what he was laughing at. 

“I never knew robot Jumin Han could be this silly.” 

You smirk up at Zen. “You underestimate my convincing power.” 

You turn the album to a couple more pages where Jumin was dressed as a Santa Clause for a children’s party at the hospital. “That was last Christmas. We just recently found out I was pregnant again and I wanted to do something special for the children at the hospital. You know, the ones the Allergy researcher mentioned during the last party. I abused the ‘but I’m pregnant’ trump card then.” Jumin looked like a somber Santa Claus in most photos but even Zen could see the joy in his face when the kids were around him. 

“He was going to be a good Father, you know. Maybe formal and a bit too strict, but very loving.” It’s been over a month since his death and simply mentioning Jumin’s name does not make you cry anymore. Instead, there was a dull ache in your heart that you’re re-living these memories without him and the sobering thought that the both of you could not make new ones. 

“I was also going to have to make sure the child won’t just be a spoiled brat.” You laugh, rubbing your tummy. “That might still happen. You have to help me on this Zen.” 

He laughs as well before responding. “I think the bigger problem is how to keep the baby away from Saeyoung.” 

You giggle at the potential mischief a child and a grown up acting like a child can get into. “I’m willing to bet Saeyoung is going to be the favorite Uncle.”

Zen scoffs at this, looking offended. “He will not. Kids like pretty things and no one is as pretty as me. Besides, I get celebrity perks. Let’s see how well Saeyoung can compete when I introduce her to Peppa Pig.” 

You laugh again, feeling lighter than you have in a while.

-.-.-.-

You were just going to close your eyes briefly in rest but that five minutes you asked from Zen turned into a full blown nap. You groggily shift, wincing at how painful your back is since the space was so cramped. You haul yourself from the sofa, thankful that your husband (you still forget to say _deceased_ in your mind) has a penchant for the extravagant and your sofa is more of the size of a single bed with a ton of pillows than the tiny sofas of regular people. Zen and his long limbs were squashed into the love seat, an open book resting on his chest. You’re reminded, during moments like this, that Zen’s narcissism is rooted in the undeniable fact that he is beautiful. You observe his smooth, porcelain skin that glowed through the dim lighting, his nose seemingly more aristocratic in profile, the slight gaunt of muscle underneath his tight, black shirt, and the long legs that were somehow gracefully draped over one of the arm rests. Any person in their right mind could appreciate the picture he made, even as he’s slack jawed in sleep. And you certainly aren’t human if your heart didn’t skip a beat at the sight. Heck, you know Yoosung, if he saw this, would readily admit the same. You are hungry though since it’s obviously either close to dinner or past it so you decide to prepare a meal for the both of you, figuring it was your turn to cook anyway. Besides, he really is too picturesque to awaken. So you stand from the sofa and waddle towards him, tucking the blanket that was previously covering you over Zen’s torso.

You’re surprised that instead of a script, the book on Zen’s chest was ‘Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads’. It was a gift from Saeyoung when he found out that you and Jumin were pregnant. The book and its illustrations, however, seemed for too silly for Jumin to really appreciate so he never got around to reading it (though Jumin did have practically every other book that provided good advice for soon to be Fathers). You feel touched at the thought that he’s preparing for the arrival of your baby. Zen’s a bachelor, a really handsome and famous one at that. He should be spending his time enjoying his freedom and meeting new people. Instead, he’s chosen to be here with you taking partial responsibility for a child that isn’t his. You haven’t thanked him enough for the fact that he uprooted his life to take care of you. You certainly aren’t going to hold that promise from long ago over his head.

It isn’t just him either. Yoosung has already learned a lot of new baby food recipes even if you’ve repeatedly told him the baby won’t be eating solids for a while. Saeyoung has already sent an electronic mobile that is currently hanging in the baby’s room. This weekend he plans on setting up a sophisticated baby monitoring system in the house. Jaehee has filled the baby’s room with stuffed animals and provided an entire set of Dr. Seuss books. But then again, you’ve always been surrounded by great people.

You realize a little later, as you stir the soup, that though you’ve talked about Jumin at length today, you never cried. You give yourself a pat on the back for this. There really isn’t an exact formula on how to mourn someone but today was a good day and you know that at some point, these good days will outnumber the bad ones.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering where Elizabeth the Third is during this time, she’s on a separate floor of the building and incredibly comfortable. MC visits her often and during the times that Zen isn’t there, MC asks someone to bring her back into the penthouse. At night, sometimes MC sneaks her in to the bedroom to which Zen will wake up with allergies. But mostly the allergies have weakened and can be dealt with antihistamin as long as Zen doesn’t cuddle with a cat


	6. Your Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had something else completely planned for this chapter, but it wrote itself and disregarded my outline. And it went far longer than the other chapters. I think it means this story will be longer and I’m not entirely unhappy about that development.
> 
> This Chapter came a little early to celebrate the 100 Kudos milestone. Fittingly, its the lightest chapter yet. Though that isn't saying much considering how sad everything else is. 
> 
> 100 yay! Thanks for the support everyone!

**Chapter 6: Your Happiness**

Zen woke up to the sound of your muffled singing as you washed the dishes that both of you left last night. Though you’re banned from doing most things like sweeping and mopping, you can’t help but clean up around wherever you can in the apartment. Zen, though he tries to help out, is still a bachelor at heart so some cleaning habits completely go over his head.

He fixes himself up a little enough to put some oomph in his just-out-of-bed look before following your voice. He leans against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest as he observes the quiet joy you possess. He actually likes seeing you be so homey. It was such a stark contrast to how he found you on the floor five weeks ago, crumpled and devastated. He honestly feared for you then. He knows how tightly wound you and Jumin are together but the pain you seemed to convey seemed unbearable. As sad as he was for Jumin’s passing, he knows he won’t be able to understand your grief. It was this and his sense of duty that made him offer to stay with you after your hospitalization.

He does need to take extra care not to let the media know that he’s here though. Considering the renewed interest on your personal life after Jumin’s passing and the now constant presence of the media in Zen’s own life, it would be a huge scandal if they knew the both of you were living together. It isn’t like that though. Zen’s lingering feelings aside, this is a set-up that is purely fueled by care and friendship. He guesses that very few people would understand the relationship between all five of you in the RFA but then again, you wouldn’t survive everything that you have thus far and not be close.

Speaking off close, Zen lifts his phone up and takes a short 10 second video of you and your little performance. Admittedly, your actions are slow but understandable because at 36 weeks your stomach is at its peak roundness. He sends the video in the chatroom, leaving it there with a small caption ‘Someone’s happy’. A ping from across the room reminded him that you were also part of the RFA.

“Are you spying on me, Hyun Ryu?” You rarely use his real name and when you do, it often means he’s in trouble.

Zen plays it smooth and tosses you a smirk. “Spying? No. More like observing.”

He enters the room, flips a chair with ease and sits on it with the back rest against his chest. “You seem to be in a good mood.”

You turn around, wiping your hands on the apron that barely covers your tummy. “Am I not allowed to be?” You reach over at the dry side of the sink to re-place your wedding and engagement ring on your left hand, the timing a little symbolic.

“You are, of course. And I’m really glad for it. Is there a reason why or are you just happy to see me first thing in the morning?” He tilts his head to the side, giving you his best puppy dog eyed look.

You shake your head moving closer to the table. “Well, yeah, I am happy to see you” You respond with an earnest look of your own which makes him blush. Zen is such a huge flirt but deep inside, there was this innocence in him when things got a little too intimate. “I just realized how I’ve never thanked you, Zen, for being here. You should be chilling out and enjoying your life but here you are taking care of a pregnant woman that can barely take care of herself.” You rub your tummy gently. It was so difficult, most days, to do the most normal things like sleep or walk. But you are incredibly excited to meet your little one.

You pause for a bit before adding, “Zen, is it okay if you’re the godfather of mine and Jumin’s baby?”

His eyes widen at this. Of the many powerful people in this baby’s life, he never really expected for you to ask him to be the Godfather especially since the role is much more significant now that Jumin has passed away.

“Of course. I…thank you for thinking of me.”

He’s scratching his cheek, a little awkward and a little nervous. He doesn’t know a single thing about raising a child and he doesn’t want to replace Jumin’s role in this baby’s life but he also understands how you can’t do this alone.

 You beam at his answer. “Jaehee, of course, will be the godmother though I’m a little nervous if she’d accept it. We should call her to ask if she’s free for dinner so we can break the news to her.”

Zen nods, still a little speechless.

You laugh at his dumbfounded expression. It wasn’t every day you get Zen to look a little silly too. It’s almost as satisfying as getting Jumin to do so.

Suddenly you feel a little kick against your tummy, a particularly strong one that you haven’t felt in a while. “Oh!” You respond, startled but pleased at the motion.

You grab Zen’s hand and press it against your tummy. “The baby approves.” You smile as you watch Zen. His eyes widen at first and he tries to jerk his hand away, mostly from surprise, but you keep it steady. This third trimester, everyone seemed to want to touch your stomach and you’ve become used to the interest

The baby kicks in different intervals, like fluttering of butterfly wings against his hand and he realizes how women are amazing.

His can’t help the awed words that came out of his mouth after, “Wow, that’s amazing.”

You giggle. “I think the baby likes you. Something she definitely didn’t get from her Father.”

Both Jumin and Zen had their differences but they also understood each other well and formed a somewhat antagonistic yet reliable camaraderie that was much more evident after V’s passing. So you know, without a doubt, that this is the right decision.

-.-.-.-

“Ahhhhchooo.”

The make-up artist scrambles to wipe Zen’s face and reapply some concealer and foundation on his nose. Normally he doesn’t need any make-up, especially for an outdoor photo shoot, but considering how terrible his allergy is being at the moment, it was necessary. There were several cats on hand that the crew keeps them in a space below the balcony where the shoot was being held. Zen, being near the railing, can see them wagging their tails in satisfaction which makes his forehead twitch.

“Why did I say yes to this again?” He mumbles.

“Because you took it as a good opportunity to showcase your professionalism and considered it a favor to a friend?” Jumin speaks from behind him but Zen doesn’t turn around. He can already feel that he was holding Elizabeth the third in his arms, anyway. So much for enjoying his cat-less break.

Zen crosses his arms over his chest to prevent himself from scratching his nose and making it any more red than it was.

“The former? Yes. But considering you as a friend might be pushing it.” It was out of habit now that they exchange barbed words but most of the time they lacked the vitriol they used to.

“And here I thought you would be pleased at the idea of me owing you something.” Jumin strokes Elizabeth the third’s hair which, Zen thinks, is similar to how an evil villain with a diabolical plan would.

 Zen lifts a shoulder in a shrug, “Like you would have anything I want.” Nothing he can give, anyway.

Speaking of what he wanted, you breeze across the cat area with Jaehee at your heels.

“Oh they’re soooooo cute!” You exclaim, bee lining to the cage.

Zen’s eyes are riveted to your figure. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jumin stand beside him so he can get a clearer view of you as well. You were handed a fluffy ginger cat that you instantly cuddle against your chest. It purrs in your arms, content, and both men almost sigh at the sight you made.

 “It’s your fiancé. She has a way with words that makes it hard to say no.”

Jumin chuckles at that, still staring at you down below. “I think that’s why the RFA parties have been such a success. She knows how to talk to people. I wanted to hire her in C&R but she refused saying she doesn’t want any false rumors to start about me or that she was using our relationship to gain a position in the company. Not that I care about baseless things like that. I will not hire someone who is unqualified.”

Though Zen believes this and knows how efficient you are with what you do, he also knows that like him, Jumin sees you through rose colored glasses.

“And I suppose having her close by at all times of the day doesn’t influence your decision either?” Zen quips.

Jumin knows that at the beginning of their relationship, he became unreasonable. What was supposed to be a brief visit turned into you staying for days inside his suit, unable to step out even for really minor things. Though he can’t bring himself to feel guilty about his actions, he understands how it wasn’t the normal way to go about courting someone and has apologized to you if it seemed as if he was confining you.

“To be honest, a part of me still wants to keep her locked up in a cage so that she would look at me and only me.” Zen growls at this but Jumin presses on. “But she isn’t a pet and I understand better that when you love someone, you have to learn to trust them and to a certain degree, set them free. She’s been nothing but understanding about my feelings and honest about her own. It helps that she knows exactly what to say to allay my fears.”

Jumin smirks after a beat. “Plus I am extremely pleased at how that ring on her finger marks her.”

Zen rolls his eyes. He figures the proposal being made so public was calculated on Jumin’s part. It was a declaration that this woman is his and, as one of the most powerful men in the country, any other potential suitor better back off.

“I should have known that you would buy the biggest diamond in the country so you can warn everyone else.” The piece of jewelry sparkles even at this distance. Zen thinks it’s petty but not unexpected of Jumin to buy her something so….extreme.

Jumin sighs, “She was grateful but she complains how it gathers too much attention when she rides the train. I have offered, time and again, to send her a limousine instead but she has constantly refused saying she enjoys the commute.”

Zen shakes his head, “Poor corporate heir. You would never know the great pleasure of being packed against other people in a full train during rush hour. Random strangers pressed against your own body in an effort to get to where you want to go as soon as possible.”

Zen makes it sound much more lewd than it actually is which works like a charm because Jumin’s face snaps to his own in horror.

“You mean other people get to _touch_ her?” Elizabeth the third yelps since Jumin seems to have pressed her against his chest much too hard.

Zen nods solemnly, enjoying how he can tease him. “It unfortunately cannot be avoided. I heard that many handsy men take it as an opportunity to feel up a beautiful woman.”

Elizabeth the third, agitated now, is twisting in Jumin’s arms so he’s forced to put her down. The cat huffs and, with her tail held high, saunters away from her master. Zen, on the other hand, is enjoying the barely veiled fury on Jumin’s face.

“Oh, Jumin, there you are. And you’re with Zen too.” You practically skip towards them, in a good mood surrounded by so many cats. You have a fondness for animals, not just cats, but your fiancé’s obsession with them is rubbing off on you a little.

Jumin schools his face. He knows that in a negotiation, he has to keep himself as impassive as possible.

You head over to Zen to give him a lose hug as a greeting.

“You don’t look as bad as I thought you would considering how many cats are around. Not as bad as that photo Seven showed me.” You say as you release him.

Zen’s eyes widen. “He did not.”

To his horror, you smile impishly and nod your head. “Did you really put it past him to show me?”

Zen blushes in embarrassment. “I am going to kill that doofus.” He mutters under his breath.

Jumin, displeased at being ignored if only for a moment, wraps an arm around your waist and places a kiss on the side of your head. “You seem pleased, sweetheart.”

You positively light up. “There are cats, Jumin, beautiful beautiful cats. And Zen is in cat ears. What’s not to be happy about?”

Before Zen could complain about his costume, Jumin was already steering you away. “Oh, indeed. Zen is a suitable feline, though not as beautiful as you or Elizabeth the third. Now about that limousine I wanted you to use…”

Zen rolls his eyes. The two of you often end up in your own world when you’re together but Zen supposes that’s how two people in love always are. Watching Jumin touch you so easily sends a little pang of longing and jealousy in his heart but he knows, ultimately, that he will always work to protect your happiness. Even if it means protecting your happiness with Jumin.

-.-.-.-

You haven’t had a night out for a long time. In fact, ever since you were diagnosed with placenta previa, you haven’t been out of the penthouse, rightfully erring on the side of caution. So it felt good to be in a dress (no matter if you felt like a whale in it) and sit and have dinner with two good friends.

Jaehee accepted the role of Godmother, of course, surprisingly with a few tears. It seems in a way, she missed Jumin too. This wouldn’t be a surprise since she’s known him far longer. However, her tears triggered your own crying and the two of you had a little sobbing session. This made Zen panic. How was he supposed to handle two emotional women so distressed in public? Eventually the both of you calmed down and all three of you managed to enjoy the rest of the night, your treat, of course.

Getting home past 10.30 though has you already exhausted. The lack of exercise and the fact that these are the final stages of pregnancy is already taking a toll on your body so you’re leaning against Zen on the elevator. He’s keeping you steady by having an arm against your shoulder catching the bulk of your weight.

“I missed the outside world.” You murmur, eyes already closed in rest.

 “Hmmm, I’m sure. After the baby is born you’ll get to spend more time outdoors.”

You crack an eye open. “I doubt it. You have been reading Jumin’s baby books right?”

He nods, defeated. “Uhm, yea, but I thought it would still be better to give you something to look forward to.”

You rub your large stomach again. It’s been an irresistible and frequent urge at this stage. “Holding this baby is already something I am looking forward to.”

Zen nods in agreement as you stand up but you suddenly feel a little unsteady so you grab Zen’s arm.

 “S-sorry…I…owwwww…” You rub your stomach as what seemed to be a painful contraction starts.

Zen is much more prepared this time though. Having been thoroughly briefed by the doctors and reading as much as he could about your condition, he knew what symptoms to check. True enough, there were rivulets of blood running down your legs at an amount much more than what you had some weeks ago. Taking command of the situation, Zen presses the button of the elevator so you can head back down before punching Driver Kim’s number with ease. For a brief moment, it felt like Jumin, your cool, calculated and in-command husband was back and you felt at ease as you slowly lost consciousness.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not trying to be dramatic, I promise. It’s just that the condition I chose for MC does lead to this eventual outcome. I’d say not to worry but really, I don’t know what my pen would do at this point. I do like how I managed to explore the friendship between Zen and Jumin though, with a side of unrequited love on Zen’s part.


	7. Hello, Hello

**Chapter 7: Hello, Hello**

“I demand to be let in.”

A glowering Jumin Han stands at the entrance of the emergency room, threatening everyone that was blocking his way.

“I’m sorry Mr. Han but it is the hospital’s protocol not to let anyone not part of the medical team inside the emergency room.”

Jumin, however, never likes being told no. “But she’s my _wife_. Tell me who I need to talk to and how much I need to pay to be there with her.” The blatant fury was cool but calculated. Jumin, it seems, would have anyone’s head on a platter at the moment.

The head surgeon, having been told of the situation by one of the nurses in a rush of panic and near tears, heads out into the waiting room. “Mr. Han. We are trying to save your wife’s life in there. Let us do our job. Don’t make me kick you out of this hospital entirely.”

Jumin huffs and assesses the old doctor, looking at him up and down. Like a good CEO, he was weighing the situation carefully and assessing how he can win. All arguments are, after all, a chess match. However, it comes to stand that Dr. Park has known Jumin since he was an infant and has enough authority to implement the words he has spoken. And since he’d rather not be farther away from you, he reigns in his temper a bit.

Composing himself but making sure his expression screams bloody murder, he says, “Okay…just…make sure to do your best, Doctor.” He turns, seemingly calm but internally seething and restless. He sits on the cold hospital chair, fidgeting. Unable to expend his nervous energy, he decides to switch on his phone and log on to the RFA chatroom.

                                                                *Jumin Han has entered the chat room*

                         Jumin: Hello?

                                                                *Zen has entered the chatroom*

                         Jumin: I don’t even care if it’s you. I need to talk to someone.

                         Zen: ???

                         Zen: Are you okay, Mr. Trustfund Kid?

                         Jumin: Barely. MC…she’s in the hospital.

                         Zen: Hospital??? What? Why????

                                                                *Saeyoung has entered the chatroom*

                         Saeyoung: Hey, hey, heeeyyy ~

                         Saeyoung: Whoa! Something is wrong with Mrs. Trustfund Kid?

                         Jumin: Saeyoung. She’s in the emergency room. She found blood down her legs. The doctors aren’t telling me anything yet.

                         Zen: MC is in the emergency room??!!

                         Zen: I didn’t think it was that serious. What the hell happened, Jumin?

                         Zen: I swear, if you hurt her, I’ll…

                         Jumin: It wasn’t me! Do you really think I would harm my wife?

                         Saeyoung: Yeah, calm down dude. I’m sure Jumin wouldn’t get her hospitalized.

                                                                 *Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room*

                         Jaehee: Mr. Han, I came as soon as I heard the voicemail. Is she alright?

                         Jumin: I honestly don’t know and it’s driving me insane. I logged in here hoping to calm down but…well, maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.

                                                                 *Yoousung has entered the chatroom*

                         Yoousung: Whoa, seems I logged on at the right time.

                         Yoousung: How is she, Jumin?

                         Jumin: I don’t know a damn thing and its driving me insane.

                         Jumin: I just wish someone would just tell me what’s happening. And that she’ll be okay.

                         Saeyoung: She’ll be okay.

                         Jumin: Someone credible.

                         Yoousung: Hahahahaha

                         Saeyoung: Ouch, that hurts.

                         Saeyoung: *inserts crying emoji*

                         Jaehee: We’re coming over Mr. Han. I’ll be calling the limo.

                         Jaehee: Also, Saeyoung, you deserve it.

                         Jumin: You don’t need to be here, Jaehee. It certainly is not part of your job description.

                         Jaehee:….

                         Jaehee: I’m still not used to you saying that.

                         Zen: Still, I feel a bit relieved that he’s no longer working you to the bone.

                         Yoousung: Yeah.

                         Zen: I want to be there too.

                         Zen: Don’t get the wrong idea though. Not for you. I just won’t be able to sleep until MC is safe so I might as well just go.

                         Zen: So I’m going to go. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

                                                                *Zen has left the chatroom*

                         Yoousung: Oh, I should have asked him to pick me up.

                         Saeyoung: I’ll come get you, Yoosung.

                         Jumin: All of you..you don’t really have to.

                         Saeyoung: What kind of defender of justice will I be then?

                         Saeyoung: *inserts thumbs up emoji*

                         Saeyoung: Be there in 10 minutes, Yoosung.

                                                                *Saeyoung has left the chatroom*

                         Yoousung: Gotcha

                         Yoousung: Oh, he’s fast.

                         Yoousung: I better get ready then. I’m packing some snacks and coffee.

                         Yoousung: See ya!

                         Yoousung: *inserts wink emoji*

                                                                * Yoousung« has left the chatroom*

                         Jumin: I really did not intend to bother all of you with this.

                         Jaehee: It’s not a bother, Mr. Han. We’re family remember?

                         Jaehee: We’ll see the both of you soon. Try not to fret about MC in the meantime.

                         Jumin: Thank you, Assistant Kang.

                         Jaehee: …..

                         Jaehee: Still not used to that either.

                         Jaehee: But you’re welcome.

                                                                   * Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom*

                                                                   * Jumin Han has left the chatroom*

-.-.-.-

Zen might have tried to look like he was in command of the situation when you started bleeding again, but once the adrenaline faded and he was forced to simply wait, the panic started to settle in. Though both of you were aware that, given your condition, you needed to have a C-section, it was only Zen that had the extensive talk with the doctor and was fully aware of the risks. Heavy bleeding, he said, was to be expected especially once you were closer to term. The important thing is to get you to the hospital as fast as possible.

That was how he managed to steel himself when it happened. But now that he knows that while you are having the emergency C-section, you are at risk for life threatening blood loss, he can’t calm himself down. He remembers that conversation with Jumin the night you were rushed to the hospital because of the miscarriage and now understands how worrisome this situation is.

It doesn’t help that Zen has Googled what goes on in an emergency C-section. He wouldn’t consider himself squeamish, especially since he joined a biker gang before and have seen pretty harsh injuries because of it, but the video he watched of a baby being pulled out of a woman’s tummy seemed more like an Alien horror film. Imagining you unconscious and exposed like that on a cold hospital bed actually gives him the creeps.

What’s worse though is the thought of losing you in the sense that you wouldn’t even be in this world.

The doctors, on the other hand, were pretty optimistic. They said that given your condition, having the baby reach 39 weeks is a good sign so that puts Zen a little at ease.

Once you were in, Zen was asked to wait in the hallway as you needed to be put out completely because of the complications. He’s already sent messages to all the RFA members, assuring them that they don’t need to drop everything to be here but that he’d be faithful in giving updates about your situation.

Minutes were passing by like hours to him though and he just keeps staring at the double doors, willing it to open. He really was getting antsy, standing-pacing-then sitting back down again every few seconds. At some point, due to how distracting he is, he was asked to move to the private room reserved for you after the surgery. Being confined in that small space with no one around was making him even more anxious. His nerves were on edge so much that he was having the urge to perform a Shakespeare soliloquy on the spot. So, being who he is, he ran through some random lines in his head. This managed to distract him for what seemed like half a day (but truthfully was just an hour and a half). Mid-way through his dramatic rendition of King Henry V’s soliloquy, the nurse enters. He scrambles from his half kneeling position, playing it cool despite the fact that he was doing something so silly.

Luckily the nurse is easily charmed by his looks, not that Zen cares anyway. His eyes are riveted to this pinkish, wrinkly tiny thing in the nurse’s arms.

“Hello Mr. Ryu. Good news, the new Mom and her baby are safe now. She was put under General Anesthesia so she’s still asleep. We’ll be placing her in the recovery room for observation until she wakes up. In the meantime, Dr. Park would like to introduce you to little Ms. Han.”

The nurse presents the baby to Zen but he steps back, waving his arms.

“I’m not the Dad. And I…don’t know how. She might break.”

The nurse giggles. “We are aware of the circumstances that surround Mrs. Han and her baby girl. Everyone in the room has been a friend of Mr. Han to some degree.” She smiles gently at him. “It has been recommended that the baby get skin-to-skin contact with someone familiar as soon as possible and that Mrs. Han wouldn’t mind if you get the honor. Before she was put under, she kept telling me to give the baby to you instead, saying you were her Godfather.”

Zen looks at the nurse a little wide eyed and panicky but nods his head, seemingly accepting this as part of his duty now. “Can you show me how?”

The nurse had an all too pleased smile on her face. “First, we would need you to be topless, Mr. Ryu.”

 Zen’s wide eyed look is back. “Wait, what?” It isn’t like he’s conservative. He’s gone topless far too often for plays and TV shows now, but it’s still a little unnerving being asked to do it in real life with little to no audience.

 “It’s called skin-to-skin contact, Mr. Ryu.” The nurse patiently explains.

When Zen complies, she can’t help but blush anyway. “Now take a seat on that rocking chair please and, there we go, just hold her like that.” The nurse gently arranges the little baby on top of Zen’s chest, skin to skin, but covered on top with the cloth that was swaddled around her earlier.

Zen has long stopped being nervous about performing but right here, holding a baby on his chest that wasn’t his, is making his hands visibly tremble. He can’t help but wonder at how fragile this tiny little human is, like parts of her would break at the slightest squeeze. It doesn’t help that both his hands already cover almost her entire body either. How can something so tiny possibly be as big as him someday?

“She is very beautiful” he whispers gently, afraid that even his words might break her if spoken too loud. Her skin is so soft and smooth like pinkish rose petals. She already has a small tuft of dark hair and a button nose that she seemed to have gotten from her Father. Her lips twist into a small smile and Zen practically swoons (in a manly way). With a smile, he says “But you get your charm from your Mom, don’t you?”

The nurse softens, saying, “I think you have it down to pat, Mr. Ryu. We will leave the baby in your care until her Mother arrives. If she fusses or if there’s any emergency, just call for us. We’re just outside the door.”

Zen was too absorbed in observing this tiny being to bother complaining to the nurse about being left alone. He marvels at how wonderful child birth is and the amazing thought that you’ve managed to bring this being into the world.

Every short, tiny breath and twitch seem so fascinating to Zen. Zen runs his hands gently over her little fingers and little toes in reverent adoration. He takes even more care in touching her face and he chuckles when she tries to suck on his thumb. He has never seen anything so precious. “And your Dad probably wouldn’t be pleased up in heaven, but I can already see you breaking quite a few hearts in the future."

He pauses, partly sentimental and partly overwhelmed but mostly marvelling at this newly minted life in his hands.

"Don’t worry though. Uncle Zen will protect you.” He gently places a feather light kiss on the top of her head before whispering. “Always remember, men are wolves, little princess. Men are wolves.”

**To be Continued**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Oh, I didn’t plan this either. But wasn’t that such a nice moment for Zen and the baby? Would you guys have any suggestion for names? I would love to hear them. Also let’s pretend that the hospital is uber fancy that a rocking chair is provided in the private room. Haha.


	8. Welcome to the Family

**Chapter 8: Welcome to the Family**

When you saw Jumin for the first time, it was love at first sight. Your heart started racing when it was just being brought up by Seven and Jaehee. It got progressively faster the closer you were to meeting. When you finally met eyes with him, you felt as if your chest was going to explode. His stoic expression gave way to a softer gaze as he seemed to drink in all of you. You wanted to touch him, to be with him, but most of all, to help him and free him and love him with every fiber of your being. And it didn’t matter how controlling he got. Your emotions for him compelled you to be patient and understanding, to allow him liberties you wouldn’t normally give to any other person even if he was being irrational about it. Jumin is love: packed up in tightly wound string, confined in rigidity and coldness that concealed the warmth and care inside. You were convinced that he couldn’t hurt you and you were right.

This instant feeling simply grew over time. The more you got to know about his darkness and limitations, the more your love for him grew deeper so when you said ‘I do’ three months after that first eye contact, that love was already unconditional. You know that whoever he was and whoever he could become, you would love him through it all.

And that love brought you here.

You’ve been awake now for quite some time in the recovery room. You were a little groggy and nauseous when you first opened your eyes but now you were regaining a little feeling which meant that the anesthesia was wearing off. It also meant that all the pain your body has been conveniently able to ignore due to medication was now slowly creeping in. The only way to describe it, really, is as if you’ve been hit by a truck.

All that flew out the window, though, when Zen enters the recovery room holding the most beautiful, tiny being in his arms.

It was love at first sight. Again.

 “Hello.” Zen greets you. You look worse for wear but there was a glow about you that made his own heart skip a beat. Luckily he had the perfect distraction in his arms. “This pretty little thing and I have had some time to get acquainted.”

Zen moves as close as he can to the bed to show you the baby, _your baby._ And she is nothing short of perfect.

You place a hand to your mouth, tears unwillingly brimming in your eyes as all the love in the world seemed to be oozing out of every fiber of your being. “Oh, Zen, she’s so precious.” You reach out and touch a tiny arm with your finger. “Can I hold her please?”

The nurse that was at Zen’s heels quickly took over at this point. She took the baby from Zen’s arms and said, “Mr. Ryu, could you help our new mother sit up please?”

Zen was grinning, because it was the first time that someone called you a new mother and he felt inexplicably proud of you.

“Of course.” He assisted you carefully and gently to a sitting position, wincing himself when you hissed in pain at the sensation but your eyes were fixated on your child. You were determined to touch her.

The nurse deposits your baby into your arms and instinctively you move to hold her. The first tear rolls down your cheek at the overwhelming joy you’re feeling at the moment. It was like your entire world has shifted only to be funneled to this one tiny being. You wanted to see her smile, to find her way in the world but at the same time, protect her from the harsh realities of it. You wanted to give her everything you could. You wanted to make sure that she wouldn’t feel the loneliness that her Father has felt growing up, even if she only had one parent.

You wanted to raise her to believe in love and goodness and happiness because there certainly is an abundance of it, especially if its created.

“I already love you, my little one. Welcome to the world.” You’re still crying, when you say it. But every pain and sadness that you’re feeling in this one moment faded.

Zen was still supporting your back and by all intents and purposes, the three of you looked like a family unit. He’s peering over your shoulder as a witness to the little scene of your first meeting and in his proximity, he heard all the words you whispered to your baby. It was like your joy was passing on to him. He remembers the excitement you showed when you announced to everyone you were pregnant. The way each time he saw you, you were swelling further and further along to give life to this child. He was there when you broke down in your grief. And at its heels, he watched you bravely pick up the pieces as you’re faced with the thought of losing your baby. He was present when you endured the pain of delivery, closer to death than neither of you would want to acknowledge. He was a witness to the final, fleeting moments before you were wheeled in to the recovery room.

He knows how hard you’ve worked for this moment.

Feeling overwhelmed with gladness that the both of you are alive and well, he places a kiss at the crown of your head. He then moves to whisper in your ear, “You did good, MC. So good. I am proud of you.”

-.-.-.-

The peace didn’t last for long. The baby started fussing which made you panic a little, afraid that you’re doing something to hurt her.

The nurse, calm as ever and used to moments like this, said, “Your baby is hungry, Mrs. Han. Here, let me help you feed her.” The nurse started pulling down your hospital gown to which Zen’s eyes widened before he looked away, coloring as red as his eyes.

“I…ah…uhm…I don’t think I should be here for this.”

You look up at him, almost laughing at his expression. He had his eyes firmly shut and he was blushing to his ears. Taking pity on him, you shift so you’re mostly supporting your own weight even though that’s much more painful. “I’ll meet you at the private room, then Zen.”

He shuffles away, trying his best not to take a peek at you even though you’re almost completely covered by cloth, the baby and the nurse. “Y-yeah. See you later.” He takes large strides out of the room which makes you and the nurse laugh out loud.

As the baby latches on to your breast to feed, you can’t help but dote on her. Every action and reaction seemed like such a tiny miracle to you. Truth be told, there were days you were just absolutely frightened you’d lose this baby too which makes the fact that she’s here all the more precious.

-.-.-.-

You shuffle back into the room after your third bathroom break in thirty minutes. You weren’t exactly waddling yet, but you’re already starting to exercise a little more care in doing the simplest of things like lying down on the bed. Your husband, however, seemed incredibly serious. He looked to be perusing a folder of papers and seemed to be in deep thought. Another complicated contract, you guess. For some reason though, you find even his stoic face incredibly attractive at the moment.

Craving his touch, you snuggle closer to his side, nuzzling your nose against the underside of his jaw. “Jumiiinnnn, enough worrrrrrk. Your pregnant wife needs attention.”

The corners of his lips lift into a small smile but he doesn’t look at you, even at your teasing. “And? What kind of attention does my pregnant wife want?”

You push yourself up against the bed to nip at his ear, “The kind where kisses are involved, obviously. What are you doing that’s more important than me anyway?” You’re high enough now to peer at what he’s looking at so you do so.

You soften at the sight. “You’re looking at the ultrasound again.”

He turns to you this time, expression gentle and not at all guilty. “I am. It’s incredibly distracting. I couldn’t concentrate on work and wanted just another peak.”

You giggle, “Nothing about that picture is different between now and early this morning, Jumin.”

He nods his head, moving the folder of work related papers to the side and just holding the print out of your ultrasound. “I know. But this is the first photo of our little baby girl. My little princess. I want to relish it as much as I can.” You have seen him be incredibly proud, but not like this.

“I’m going to be a Father. For real this time.”

You nod your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing yourself lightly against him so that he feels the bump of your stomach. “You’re a Daddy of a beautiful baby girl, Jumin. The first of many the both of us will raise.”

You’ve both talked about the size of the family that you’ve wanted and the agreed that you want at least four children and a lively household. You even hope to adopt, at some point, influenced by the charitable nature of the organization wherein the both of you have met.

He places the ultrasound photo on the bedside table before turning to you fully and placing a kiss on your lips. “Thank you, my love, for giving me this gift. I never imagined I would meet a woman as kind and caring and wonderful as you. Everyday I am just growing to love you more and more, especially now.” He kisses you again, his lips conveying all the passion and adoration he felt for you. “Now let me give you my full attention.”

-.-.-.-

When you and the baby were wheeled in to the private room, Yoosung and Jaehee were already inside chatting with Zen.

“Oh, she’s so cute!” Yoosung was the first to spot you and was immediately drawn to the baby in your arms. He rushes to your side while a much more subdued Jaehee follows suit. You had no qualms when Yoosung attempted to hold her but you hovered, regardless, like the worried new mother that you are. Yoosung, however, seemed to be a natural.

 “Why hello there, pretty baby. Aren’t you the cutest little girl I have ever seen.” He coos, rocking her like a pro.

You smile despite the fact that you were currently struggling to move from the wheelchair to the bed. Zen was already there, assisting you with your hand in his as he’s supporting your back partially as you climb unto the bed.

“You seem to be built for this, Yoosung.” You smile gently at him, still very much proud of the tiny baby in his arms.

He blushes and looks at you, “I get a lot of practice with animals and such. But I doubt you can actually leave her alone in my care. I can barely take care of myself, what with how busy vet school is. Let alone a tiny human being.” He still looked enamoured, none the less.

“Heck, remember the time I had to take care of Elizabeth the Third? That was horrible.” He huffs.

The way things panned out with Rika and V was really a shock to Yoosung, but it was just the shock he needed to get his life back on track.

You nod at the memory, “I think you’re right. Best not to leave you alone with the baby then.” Not that you had any desire to leave the baby with anyone at this point. Not for a long while, at least. You don’t mind though. The moment that your baby was conceived, you knew your entire life will revolve around her.

“You might want to leave her alone with me.” Saeyoung announces, wiggling his eyebrows as he enters with his brother in tow. “Sorry we’re late. We kind of had to hide from a few guys in this hospital.”

You roll your eyes, remembering that problematic episode that Jumin had to sort out. It took him a significant amount of money to keep everyone quiet about Saeyoung and Saeran’s hospital escape.

 “I don’t know, Saeyoung….” You trail of. On one hand, you trust him. He’s been nothing but a good friend to all of you. On another hand, the way he treats Elizabeth the Third in the guise of caring for her is worrying….

“I think I just heard Mr. Han screaming from the grave that he wouldn’t allow such a thing to happen.” Jaehee deadpans.

You’ve been trying not to think about the fact that Jumin wasn’t here. It’s supposed to be a happy moment and you didn’t want to mar it by dwelling on what was missing. But once Jaehee mentions it, all the thoughts and emotions come crashing to you like a tidal wave.

Jumin should have been here.

You were looking forward to seeing the wonder in his eyes upon meeting your baby. You used to imagine how gentle he would have been, how overwhelmed he would be at holding a life he helped create. You wanted to see him take her in his arms, whisper a kind hello, and promise her the world. You wanted to see the light in his eyes when she reaches out to hold his finger, that unabashed smile adorning his lips that would move to give your baby her first Father-Daughter kiss.

The tears were falling before you could stop them. Images of the kind of Daddy Jumin could have been playing in your mind like whispy scenes, transparent and fleeting. Jaehee is horrified at what she thinks she’s done but you wave it away with a smile.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” You push the tears away, willing the thoughts from your head.

Taking a deep breath, you announce, “I’ve decided.”

Everyone looks at you quizzically.

“On her name.” You say with a smile. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet my little darling, Haneul Han.”

“Haneul…” Zen trails off.

“Heaven.” Saeran adds.

You nod your head. “Because her Daddy will always be watching over her from heaven.” Your smile is teary but you know you’re going to be okay. You’re going to find the strength to live again because you have someone else to live for now.

**To be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to go with Avistella’s name suggestion because it was too pretty and yes, it was very poetic. As a thank you, do request for any scenario that you wish for me to write. It doesn’t have to be part of the universe of this fic (but it could and I might squeeze it in), say you just wanted a tiny little drabble about either Zen or Jumin and MC (I’m not confident enough to write everyone else yet, but I’ll get there eventually). I’ll respond on a little drabble either in a comment here or as a separate oneshot. 


	9. You Are Not Alone (Part 1)

**Chapter 9: You Are Not Alone (Part 1)**

Zen opens the door for you, bag in hand. He had very little sleep the past four days that you were the hospital and is loathe to find out the damage all those late nights caused to his skin. He would normally come to regret such recklessness but then you look up, eyes bright and shining with that motherly glow and your full smile directed at him.

“Thank you, Zen. For taking care of us at the hospital.” Your voice was soft but heavy with emotion. He barely stops himself from kissing you right then and there.

It was easy to pretend, in moments like this, that he was more than just a friend fulfilling a promise. That your heart doesn’t still ache for Jumin. That you love him the way he loves you.

But he looks around the house he enters: a house with windows that are too large and flooring that is too ostentatious. And you head left while he turns right, clearly towards separate bedrooms. He pauses at the doorway, placing the bag down on the floor. He looks back at you, catching your last couple of steps before you disappear into the master’s bedroom, the door clicking shut behind you. His heart aches, wishing that, at least, you’d look back at him. That you’d want to spend every moment you can with him. That this hasn’t been a one-sided love for years.

He knows your heart still yearns for your husband. He couldn’t help but wonder though what hurts more: loving someone and losing them or loving someone and never having them at all?

He sighs and moves towards his bedroom. Sleepiness, he thinks, is making him depressing.

-.-.-.-

You open your eyes, refreshed by the nap you just took. There was nothing like sleeping in your own house and your own bed. Especially when cradled in your arms was the tiny baby you just brought to life. You smile and touch her little soft cheek again, marveling at her beauty and newness each and every time. You can’t believe she’s real, that she’s alive and warm and wonderful. She wiggles, mouth opening to speak incoherent sounds towards you.

You’ve been putting it off, you know. But you can’t let the day end without doing this. So you stand and take her into your arms.

You can’t go into the study anymore without crying. You still remember Jumin’s dark oak table, the stack of papers that are constantly on it, and the gold pen embedded with diamonds that never seemed to leave its surface. Now, that’s replaced with a photo of your deceased husband over a low table. You’re pleased that your Father-in-law replaced the food offerings in your stead during your hospital stay. You know he loved Jumin as much as Jumin loved him and that the old man was grieving too.

You kneel in front of the memorial. Considering the baby in your arms, you don’t light an incense, vowing instead to do it later. You know Jumin would understand. Still, the smell lingers around the room. You miss the smell of musk, expensive perfume, and crisp paper that used to permeate this space instead. You bow as deep as you can with holding a tiny baby, careful that you neither crush her nor disrespect your dead husband. When you sit back up, your eyes are already watering.

“Haneul, I’d like you to meet your Father.”

-.-.-.-

Motherhood, for all its joys, is quite taxing. Tonight, particularly so. You rub your eyes blearily and drag your feet towards the nursery. The baby monitor in your room has been transmitting the sounds of a crying Haneul for quiet some time now but you’ve been lethargic in getting up. You’re pretty sure you just want back to bed less than an hour ago and already the baby wanted something.

It’s been three weeks since you brought Haneul home and the fatigue of being a single parent is already bearing down on you. You often feel guilty when sometimes, on days just like this, you just want to ignore her cries and continue to sleep. Certainly that isn’t a motherly feeling right?

The nursery door was already open when you got there though with only the soft glow of the lampshade and the galaxy mobile that Saeyoung created illuminating the inside. And there, standing in the middle of it, was Zen holding Haneul in his arms.

"Good night, good night, little sweetie pie. Such a beautiful day rest those beautiful eyes. Good night, good night time to turn off the lights. Rest your head on your pillow, dream of this lullaby.” Zen’s voice is soothing and gentle and ever so beautiful. In his eyes was the most tender expression you’ve ever seen him wear. Your knees wobble a little so you lean against the doorframe, a sigh escaping your lips at the precious scene before you.

The light flashes just right and you see Haneul wiggle into his embrace, her unseeing clear grey eyes already drooping close. Zen chuckles and places a gentle kiss on her forehead before folding her back into her crib. He brushes gentle fingers over the tuft of dark hair soothingly as he repeats the verse.

He was still midway through it when you enter the room. You bend over his own crouched form to press your forehead on the spot where his neck and his spinal cord met. You have no excuse for this other than the fact that you’re tired and emotional and Zen who has no obligation to be here was taking such good care of your baby.

“MC?” You hear the confusion in his voice.

“Mmmm, sorry, just…give me a minute, please?” Zen feels so warm and sweet and comforting and you just wish you can stay here and rest. You feel him still underneath you and for a few moments there was peace.

-.-.-.-

Zen’s heart is attempting to beat out of his chest. He can’t believe you would torture him this way. He moves so that his hands are stacked, one over the other, with his forehead resting above it in a bid to control himself. In the darkness, he can feel the warmth your body radiating behind him, hovering close enough to feel even though you’re not really touching. Your forehead pressed against his skin felt too intimate and so did the waft of your breathing snaking into the crevices of the loose black shirt he favors around the house, caressing his own skin. It’s been so long, he thinks, that he’s been with a woman and he’s been in love with you for years. Any man would be driven mad by this simple action.

Clutching the crib’s railing, he tries to distract himself by focusing on what was in front of him. Haneul, none the wiser to his turmoil, was sleeping peacefully in her bed, oblivious to the world. By her side was a worn out stuffed cat, one that once belonged to Jumin when he was young. It was a sobering thought. One that reminds Zen that you are not his. That Haneul is not his. That even in death, he’s losing to Jumin.

He slowly stands, forcing the both of you to disengage from each other. You look a little confused and a little hurt by his action but he’s thankful that you don’t press the issue.

“What’s wrong?”

You shake your head, a small smile gracing your lips. “I was just tired, that’s all. And I just thought tunneling into you was the best way to rest. Forgive me?”

He doesn’t know what you’re thinking and he honestly doesn’t want to ask. He started staying at the penthouse with the intention of fulfilling his promise, not to woo you in your grief. So he nods his head and says, “Of course. No harm done. I should be off to bed. Good night.”

Distance. He needs distance. Otherwise, in the cover of the night, he would tell you all the things he’s kept hidden.

He’s already moving towards his room when you respond with your own good night.

Zen doesn’t sleep for a while. He knows the embrace wasn’t meant to be anything more than a gesture of you seeking comfort. It wasn’t even that intimate of an action. It didn’t even cross the border line of what’s allowable between friends. Despite how he rationalizes things though, what happened tonight sparked one thing that he hasn’t allowed himself to feel ever since the both of you have met.

Hope.

-.-.-.-

You think something is wrong with you. You take longer and longer to respond to Haneul’s cries, sometimes wishing you don’t have to get up at all to attend to it. And when you do, the feelings of guilt pour into you as you question your fitness of being a mother. Do you really love your child when you’re so irresponsible? Shouldn’t you just feel happy about your baby?

It comes to a headway, one evening, when you’re holding Haneul to burp her and out from her diaper leaks liquefied poop. It gets on your shorts and runs down your leg in agonizing slowness. You feel like throwing up, from both the smell and the idea that you’re so dirty. The itch to shower as soon as possible is almost too hard to ignore. You put Haneul on the changing table, trying to coo towards her to ease her fussiness but she doesn’t stop squirming and it’s making it so hard to reach for everything. You manage to open her nappy and cringe at the sight. She’s made a right mess in her diaper and practically her entire bottom half is dirty. You’re on your third wet wipe and try to pull out a fourth one but your hand comes up empty. You look around the room while holding on to Haneul and you can’t find a new box. Or tissues. Or anything, really, that can wipe her down. You bite your lower lip. You’re dirty and smelly and you’re so scared that if you let go of Haneul she’ll fall off the changing table and…what are you going to do?

Running out of options and getting desperate by the second, you take of your shirt, figuring it needs a washing anyway. As you’re wiping her down, stripped to your bra with poop running down your right leg, you start crying. You’re tired and lonely and that angry red mark over your stomach is so ugly and you barely fit in most of your clothes and your husband is dead and you really suck as a Mom.

 You don’t realize how loud you’re sobbing until Zen enters the room, panic in his voice.

“MC?! Are you okay?” He stops short at the sight before him.

You’re still struggling with the first Velcro of the diaper, hands trembling, as you continue to cry. Haneul was matching your own cries with wailing of her own, sensing the energy in the room.

“I-I’m fine Zen.” You hiccup. Nothing about you is fine at the moment so he feels insulted that you’re still attempting to pretend.

Wordlessly he approaches and stills your hand. He puts the diaper on properly and carries Haneul to soothe her. Defeated, you lean back against the wall and slide down it. You try to quiet down your sobs but you feel even worse now as you watch Zen handle your baby better than you. He manages to burp her which eases her discomfort and puts her in the crib, giving her the stuffed animal she favors.

When he turns to you, you turn away in shame, bowing your head down so your hair completely covers your face.

He doesn’t let you push him out.

You feel him wrap his arm around you and you gasp, “Zen, no, stop, I have Haneul’s poop on me.” Your voice is still hoarse and you can’t stop hiccupping from the tears.

He doesn’t respond. He lifts you, bridal style until the both of you are seated on the couch with your rear end on the furniture and your legs over his lap. His left arm is draped around your waist to keep you from escaping.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” His stare is unwavering. Before you can even utter another denial, he cuts through, “And don’t tell me nothing is.”

You sigh and look towards the opposite side of the room. You can’t bear the full brunt of his stare. It was too intense and you know it sees right through you.

“Everything.”

**To be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want the angst to pile up one after the other for both of them but the situation really warrants it.
> 
> And it’s starting to get a little bit confusing for MC, isn’t it? (Hence the run on sentences). She still has to deal with all the emotions of Jumin’s death and now there are baby blues to contest with, not to mention the struggles of single motherhood. I don’t know why I did this to her, gosh. 
> 
> And Zen, he’s being so sweet and adorable and I feel bad for him since MC really can’t deal with it yet. ;___;


	10. You Are Not Alone (Part 2)

_“Everything.”_

You don’t know where to start. It was like everything you’re experiencing came one after another, jumbled up and piled together to create something heavy in your heart. The sorrow is a physical thing, palpable and real. And the tears don’t stop. Every time you try to put into words how you feel, it was like pressing into wounds and reopening them until the hurting is fresh and the cycle restarts.

You thought you were getting better.

There were days after Jumin’s passing that seemed like you were starting to feel normal again. You were so proud of yourself as you picked up the pieces and regained that optimistic attitude.

How did it end up like this?

You look down, tracing the bright red, slightly raised skin from your C-section. You don’t want to burden Zen with this. If he knows the gravity of your thoughts, it will scare him or make him feel even more responsible than he already does. You need to be strong. Isn’t that what mothers do? Isn’t that what Jumin would want?

“I was just so frustrated, that’s all.” Downplaying your breakdown seems like the logical choice. “I ran out of wet wipes and Haneul didn’t stop crying and I…”

You’re cut off by Zen taking your face in his large hands, eyes boring into yours. His voice is urgent and insistent. “Stop that, MC. I see you. Everyday, I see you struggling with your sadness. I know your grief because I’ve held you through it. And I see how tired you are and how hard you’re trying to keep it together. I know it isn’t just about that one moment.” Your lips tremble and the tears start afresh which gives him pause. To see you so broken scares him, but there’s also determination in his voice. “Tell me. If everything is wrong, I want you to tell me. I want to fix it.”

You don’t know where the anger comes from after that. It's sudden and burning and refuses to be ignored.

Zen was just trying to help, having your best interest at heart. But you feel like he’s too close and you _hate_ how he’s seeing right through you when you’re desperately trying to push him away. Physically, you put some distance between the both of you: turning your head, tugging his hands away from your face and leaning back to create space between your bodies. At the same time, you release your temper and you start shouting, “Stop it, Zen! Stop treating me like I’m broken!  Stop telling me how I feel! You don’t know what I’m going through! You don’t understand me! Why are you even here?!” You’re huffing at the effort, fire still in your veins. “If you’re doing this just because you promised Jumin, _don’t_. He’s dead. You don’t owe him anything. And I don’t _need_ you.”

You regret the words as soon as they’re said especially when you see the hurt on Zen’s face. One more moment to add to the list of things you should be guilty for.

-.-.-.-

They say that fights are the turning point of a relationship. For Jumin and you, it certainly is. You don’t remember now, how it started. All you remember that words were said and tempers clashed and your husband is now giving you the cold shoulder.

You’re staring at the spot on your bedside that should have been his, running your hand over the cold bed sheet. He’s been holed up in his study ever since your argument and you haven’t had the courage to enter the space. You don’t know how to approach him. You’re half afraid that he’s retreated to that corner in his heart and locked himself up to any and all emotions and this time you won’t be able to thaw the ice from his heart. You're also half ashamed at the part you played in the argument.

So you’re surprised when, at half past midnight, the door cracks open and in comes your husband. You’re so shocked that you stay still on the bed, tucked tightly between the blankets. He walks slowly through the room and sits on the edge of his side of the bed, with his back towards you.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is gruff and quiet and you hear the hesitation in it as he speaks. You know your husband doesn’t accept a losing situation so apologies don’t slip from his lips. You wouldn’t put it past him to try and manipulate the argument so he would still come out on top. That’s the kind of man you married and you accept even that part of him. So you know how difficult it must have been for him to swallow his pride and apologize.

Your cheeks coloring in embarrassment, you sit up on the bed and whisper, “I’m sorry too.”

He turns around just as you start reaching for his shoulder so he ends up catching your hand midway. He lowers himself to press a kiss on your palm, warm and sweet. “I took things too far. I didn’t mean to be so insensitive.”

You nod your head as you crawl towards him, depositing yourself in his embrace. “And I didn’t mean to make it seem like your job doesn’t matter. Or to make you choose between your work and me.” You lean up, a soft smile on your face. “Can we kiss and make up now?”

He grins, the band in his chest at the thought of upsetting you finally snapping away, released. “Oh, more than that.”

You giggle as you're pushed down on the bed, glad that your first fight as a couple is behind you. This is what love is. Taking the good and the bad and compromising because not being with one another isn’t even a choice.

-.-.-.-

Zen visibly recoils at your words, pulling back so you aren't touching. He has never seen you this angry or malicious to anyone, let alone people close to you. To have him feel the full burnt of your anger is shocking. He turns away, brows furrowed to show his disbelief, and his response was a little too quiet. “Right, right.” He shakes his head as if doing away with useless thoughts and emotions. He turns to you, opens his mouth and closes it again. “I should help you clean up.”

His actions are robotic and you watch him as he takes a towel from the closet that you keep it in and starts a pot of tea. You start crying again when he places the towel at the back rest of the couch. He isn’t looking at you, he isn’t reaching out for you and you kind of feel like this is the start of the silent treatment too. You’re so used to how Jumin would take the time to compose himself, opting instead to not speak instead of making things worse. Is this how you repay Zen for his kindness? With hurtful words and a surly disposition? You wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow, he’s packed his bags and moved out of this apartment.

This was what you wanted, isn’t it? To be left alone? So why does it hurt so much?

-.-.-.-

Zen stares blankly at the water, waiting for it to boil. He can hear you sobbing at the next room. Your words hurt because he knows it’s the truth.

You have never needed him.

If his being here was only out of an obligation to fulfill a long cemented promise, your outburst would have been a relief to hear. But it isn’t. He doesn’t want to be free from this responsibility because he wants to stay. Because he wants every reason to be around you. But, more importantly, it’s because he wants to make sure that you’re okay.

“Arrrgghhh”, he tugs his hands through his hair. He feels so useless at the moment. What kind of man is he if he can’t even make the woman he loves happy?

-.-.-.-

By the time Zen returns to the living room, you’re all cried out. He puts down the tray with the tea, two cups and a glass of water on the low table. Before he gets to pour out the tea, your fingers are tugging at the edge of his sleeve.

He turns to you and meekly you say, “I’m sorry. That was out of line. You were only concerned for me.”

He nods his head, moving his hand forward to resume his motion. He places two spoonfulls of sugar and one spoonful of cream in your cup before handing it towards you, still wordless. In his silence, the anxiety in your heart grows. You wouldn’t blame Zen if he was already at his limit. You just wish things between you wouldn’t be irreparable.

The both of you sip your tea quietly. You’re so afraid to be confronted by his anger even if you were so brave enough to court it earlier knowing full well that it’s your fault. Instead, you try a different approach. The time and space he gave you allowed you to think and has made the words less elusive and crying has made the pain duller.

Quietly, you say. “I miss my husband.”

  
He turns to you sharply at this but you refuse to look him in the eye otherwise you wouldn’t be brave enough to untangle the knots in your heart.  “I miss my husband even more now that Haneul is here. I miss him when I see all the things that he isn’t here for. And I imagine, often, the things that he would be doing with our baby. Reading to her at night. Changing her nappy. Introducing her to Elizabeth the third. Showing her off to anyone who would listen with blurry photos and possibly borderline obsessiveness.” You sadly chuckle at the thought. “And I’m so tired. I feel like such a bad Mother when I don’t respond right away. When I wish I could sleep a little longer. When sometimes I don’t want to feed her because it hurts.” You rub the healing scar, slightly puckered and red, over your skin. “And I honestly feel so unattractive.” You shake your head at this because as much as it did contribute to your breakdown, the last part seemed so silly considering everything else you’re dealing with.

You can see Zen shaking his head as he whispers, “That’s not true.”

You smile. You’re still so deathly afraid of opening up to someone else. Afraid that if they see all the broken parts of you, they’ll high tail away and disappear. Without the assurance of the same unconditional love that Jumin gave to you, they weren’t bound to you and could easily reject you.

The truth of the matter is, you don’t want to lose Zen. He’s been your rock, solid and steady, throughout possibly the most difficult time of your life.

You don’t want to lose anyone in your life at this point.

So despite how self-preservation is demanding that you revert to either downplaying your problems or shielding yourself with defensiveness, you now choose to be honest. “And I’m afraid that things won’t get better. That I’ll be left with all this sadness and struggle and won’t be a good Mom. That I’ll revert to bad habits and corrupt Haneul. That I won’t do right by her.” You bite your trembling lower lip as you suppress your emotion.

Zen turns and gathers you in his arms, fully and completely this time. You bury your head on his shoulder, wetting his shirt with warm tears as it restarts. He soothes you, running his fingers through your hair as he whispers, “The fact that you’re afraid just goes to show how well you’ll do by her. You love her, MC. Enough to hate yourself because you can’t be the best for her. As for the rest,” He gently guides your head back so the both of you are eye to eye, “I know this is hard. I know you’re lost and that you’re struggling. But I’m here. I’ll protect you. I’ll take care of you. I’ll be involved in Haneul’s life. And I am not going anywhere. Rely on me. You don’t have to do things alone.”

There was something in Zen’s expression that can’t be ignored. Something that has always been nagging at you but you can’t describe it. It’s at the tip of your tongue, like a word you know but you can’t pinpoint. You search his eyes and see the gentleness in them but there was also something else.

 Zen touches your soft cheek with the back of his hand. “You asked me  earlier why I’m still here. It’s not just because of a promise. It’s because I love you.”

**To be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was such a struggle. I had something else originally planned again but it didn’t seem to want to be written. I started and stopped pushing through but eventually the words and the characters lead me here. The confession wasn’t supposed to be until a few chapters from now but it seemed appropriate here and now.
> 
> Also, postpartum means your hormones are out of wack and MC is being especially defensive. She’s always tried to keep up a strong front (nerves of steel in the face of a bomb exploding? Yeah). But now that she’s in desperate need of support and with Jumin absent, she’s finding it so hard to open up. Luckily Zen is such a steadfast, devoted guy.<3 And I’m sorry about that cliffhanger.


	11. Depth and Breadth

**Chapter 11: Depth and Breadth**

Zen flips his head back to take his third tequila shot, chasing it after with a swig from the cold, local beer he favors. He’s sequestered himself at the empty bar a couple of rooms away from the festivities, the walls muffling the sounds of celebration. As the night wore on, he finds himself craving solitude, tired of exchanging swooning stories with the rest of the wedding celebrants. He needed to be away from the huge LED screens, the ostentatious decorations, and the brightness of your smile as you tie yourself to another man. Craving comfort from alcohol that was more strong and potent than the fancy champagne at the banquet hall, his feet brought him here. The entire hotel was booked for yours and Jumin’s wedding and all of the celebrants were busy at the reception which meant that he’s left peaceably alone to drown his sorrows in the bar.

He traces a bead of sweat sliding down the body of the bottle before pressing it to his forehead. It would take more than a few shots and a couple of bottles of beer to get him drunk but he can’t say he isn’t feeling a little light headed.

That’s probably why he doesn’t hear Yoosung enter the room until he sits right in front of him.

“Hey, we’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Zen is pretty much proud of how Yoosung is slowly choosing to become an adult, which is very evident now that he’s in his suit.

“I just needed to be alone.” Zen hopes Yoosung gets the point.

However, as per usual, the blonde is a little dense. “Why?”

Zen places the bottle down, contemplating the question. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the fact that he’s feeling more sentimental than usual, but he was in the mood to be a little honest. “Have you ever wanted something you can’t have?”

Yoosung blinks, not unlike a lost puppy. “Lots of times. Like LOLOL costumes that I can’t afford, money and career security like Jumin’s and your effortless good looks.”

Zen laughs. “I am the envy of all mankind for my looks.” He winks at Yoosung even though the younger man was already rolling his eyes. “But those are things that you could achieve with discipline. I mean, you won’t be as handsome as I am but if you work out you’d be pretty decent.”

Yoosung sighs. He orders a beer from the bartender because he’s old enough and the situation seems to warrant it. He can’t just watch Zen drink alone anyway. It comes instantly and he takes a swig but winces. He hasn’t gotten used to the strong taste of beer yet. “What the heck are you talking about Zen?”

Zen looks up at the ceiling. He was so pensive at the moment, so serious. “Have you ever wanted something that you can never have no matter how hard you work for it?”

Yoosung is becoming more and more confused as the conversation moves along. He wishes that people can just be straight forward and not secretive. “Well….remember when we thought Rica was dead? I wanted so badly for her to come back but I knew that no matter how hard I worked, it wouldn’t happen.” And everyone knows how Yoosung coped then. “It did happen eventually, though I’m still not sure what’s better: thinking she was dead or finding her alive and the leader of a religious cult?” A wry smile paints Yoosung’s lips and Zen wonders when did he ever get so jaded.

Zen orders them both a shot for this and they take the drink together.

Once their glasses are back down on the table, Zen releases a long, warm, alcohol filled breath. He thinks Yoosung would understand and he knows that he’ll keep the secret if he asks. Without thinking too much about it, he just blurts it out, “I’m in love with MC.” There. Acknowledged. In the open. It was the first time that he says it out loud to anyone and the action made it seem more real.

Yoosung’s eyes widen, “But she’s---“

“Jumin’s. I know.” Zen waves towards the general direction of the ballroom. “She’s officially Mrs. Han at this point, even.” There was a bitter taste on his tongue that wasn’t part of the shot he just took.

“Zen…” Yoosung shakes his head, not knowing what to say.

“I don’t want you to pity me, Yoosung. I never stood a chance. Not against Jumin, definitely. No one can really be his rival in love and win. He _is_ the most wanted bachelor alive.” He looks up again, tracing the ornate patterns of the ceiling with his eyes. “But I never stood a chance against her either. Not against her kindness and not against her beautiful smile.” There was a little bit of relief at being able to talk about his feelings to someone. Maybe now he can start to let go.

“I understand what you mean. A part of me, especially those first few days, couldn’t help but be attracted to her.” Yoosung is looking towards the ballroom now too. “Jumin is a lucky guy.”

Zen nods his head. “Yeah. He better make her happy or else I won’t hesitate to take her away.” They both know Zen would never steal you. Neither do they belittle the love both you and Jumin share. Zen knew, even in his drunken state, that this is a battle he has long lost. So he claps Yoosung’s shoulder. “Now, I am going to get seriously drunk until I can’t remember the pain and misery I am feeling and then, like a good little brother, you’re going to carry me back to the hotel room and make sure I don’t make a fool out of myself, alright?” He then turns to the bartender, “Oh, and everything we’re drinking here? Put it on Jumin Han’s tab. He owes me.”

-.-.-.-

One would think that Zen would be deathly scared to confess his feelings after years and years of suppressing them. Truth be told, after that one drinking session with Yoosung, he has never spoken about his feelings, fully convinced that there was no point in voicing them out. But now that he has, he feels a certain sense of freedom.

So he says it again.

“I am in love with you.” He emphasizes each word with sincerity and seriousness which makes it impossible for you to dismiss it with any sort of denial let alone downplay it as feelings of friendship. “I’ve been in love with you for years.” He chuckles at the end of that last sentence, relief evident in his voice. “And I want you to know how important you are to me. How much I find you beautiful. How no matter what you smell like or what mistakes you make or how big the sadness you’re feeling, I will love you.” Now that he’s said it once, it seems that he can’t stop saying it over and over again. It was as if he was making up for not being able to speak of his feelings for all this time.

He really can wax and wane about his newfound freedom now. He remembers how afraid he was for you to know about his emotions. Afraid that you would treat him differently, avoid him and cut him off of your life. But, being with you these past weeks, he realizes that he does want you to treat him differently. That he can’t stay as just Zen, the ever reliable friend. He wants to be more than a friend to you. He wants you to consider him as someone that you could possibly, one day, love back.

“And I know that you don’t feel the same way. I know right now, there isn’t any room for your heart to return my feelings. But a day will come where you’re going to be ready to fall in love again. It may take weeks or months or years. Heck, I don’t care if we’re seventy. Because when that day comes, I want to be that guy. I lost once and I’m not sore about it. But this is my chance and I don’t plan on losing this time.”

He remembers the day he left home and wanted to become an actor and the years of struggle after that. And he remembers the resolve and determination he needed to survive and how similar it is to what he is feeling now. So he can and will be patient and, like always, he’ll love you the best way he can.

-.-.-.-

You would be lying if you said you expected this. Never, in a million years, could you have guessed that Zen is in love with you. That he’s been in love with you for the longest time, apparently. But though it was something you could never have imagined, it explained a lot about the way he cared for you these past years. Finding out the root of Zen’s feelings is like finally grasping a memory that was always so elusive to the point that you dismissed it as inconsequential. However, the knowledge of the depth of his emotions has stunned you into silence.

You might not know what to do with this knowledge but you do know what you don’t want:  to belittle and dismiss his feelings. Love is a gift, as you know firsthand regardless whether it is requited or unrequieted. Even more so because for the longest time, Zen has been loving you quietly without asking for anything in return. You’ve had a one-sided love before and the last thing you would have wanted was for the other person to receive you with contempt just because they made the mistake of falling in love with you.

So you look Zen in the eye and say. “Thank you Zen. And I’m sorry.” You wish you could do more but how could you really express your gratitude to someone that has loved you without reward?

He tilts his head to the side. “What for?”

“For not realizing it sooner. For hurting you all this time. For not being able to, until now, give you your happy ending.” People always think that there are just two sides to every love story. They forget that the world doesn’t work in a linear manner and that the cast of characters is wide, diverse and often unpredictable. But you think it’s best to be honest. “I don’t really know if I’ll ever date or fall in love again.” You don’t think you need to explain, not without hurting him even more.

Undettered, Zen nods his head, “I know. I’m sorry if this might seem so sudden or if this pressures you into moving on.. I want you to take your time, deal with your emotions the best you know how. I just also want you to know that I’m here to support you all the way. That I’m not going to run or hide or hurt you. That you don’t have to do things alone.”

Your eyes widen, “But…I don’t want to take advantage of you Zen.”

He shakes his head, “It will be my pleasure to be useful to the woman I love. Please don’t take that pleasure away from me.”

You can’t help but marvel at the earnestness of his feelings. Not too long ago you were snapping at him with irrational anger. After which you told him all the depressing thoughts you were having, showing him all your scars both visible and invisible. And here he is, giving you the most precious gift he could give: his heart.

However, you really do need time to think about things. It was just a bombardment of information and emotion and you can’t trust yourself to be rational about it. Knowing things won’t be resolved here and now, you merely nod your head and again say, “I don’t really know what to say other than thank you.”

Zen smiles in understanding and presses a quick, gentle kiss at the top of your head. “I know you’ve had quite the day and you have a lot of things to think about so I think it’s best that you head to bed. I’ll clean up here and in Haneul’s room. Goodnight.” He moves you easily off his lap and takes the used cups and tea pot to the kitchen to leave you to mull things over.

You close the door to your room and go through the motions to prepare for bed, heart full and thoughts overflowing. There were just so many things to think about. It wasn’t until later, after a shower and in comfy pajamas do you realize that Zen has managed to distract you from your grief. More than that, he gave you something to look forward to in the morning.

**To be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give appropriate exposure to Zen in terms of delving into the depth of his feelings and thoughts about MC. This is why I fell in love with Zen as a character: His determination, His devotion, his honesty and his bravery. I mean, in one of the bad endings, didn’t he say he would work hard to win MC’s trust? Plus, I’ve always been more attracted to the traditional type of love stories where a man tries to win a woman over? Lucky, lucky MC. :)


	12. Celebrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this took a while. There was a major and sudden change in our workplace that took up all of my time so I couldn’t write until my Christmas vacation. But here’s a chapter to celebrate the holidays and to celebrate the Christmas update of Mystic Messenger. 
> 
> Chapters will come less frequently now due to the shift in my workplace that has made things significantly more hectic for me so I hope you bear with me.

**Chapter 12: Celebratations**

_Saei-rye_  

_The baby's well-being is celebrated 21 days after the birth with a meal. By this time, the baby and mother are still recovering from birth, so people were not allowed to see them. However, close family members are met and prayed for the healthy recovery of the baby's mother on this day._

-.-.-.-

Things have been entirely too hectic around this house that you honestly forgot about the occassion. It wasn’t until Zen placed the Miyeok guk and the Baekseolgi in front of you at the dining table for dinner that you were reminded about the celebration.

“Congratulations.” Zen whispers with a smile, all charm and gentleness. He was still the same guy you’ve known for the past few years, same sweetness and care. If you were the least bit assuming, his feelings would have been plain as day to you but you were too caught up in your own whirlwind romance to ever suspect him of more than friendship. Besides, you didn’t have much of an ego to assume someone as handsome and naturally caring as Zen being in love with you.

Unfortunately, now that you’ve been made aware of his love for you, you have been extremely easy to embarrass. Zen tosses you a charming smirk which makes your blush deepen.

“You really are cute when you’re being shy.” He’s enjoying the fact that he can affect you at all. The idea that he can make your heart beat a little faster by just being more open excites him.

You’re sore about it though, so you mumble, “Well it isn’t fun for me when you’re doing it on purpose.”

He waves a hand in appeasement. “Okay, I’ll stop for a bit, only because today is Haneul’s  _Saei-rye._ ” Your daughter is sleeping in her pram near the dining area where you can keep an eye on her more closely. “And in celebration…here…”

Zen produces a bouquet of two dozen roses, bright red and in full bloom. You don’t know where he hid it and how it escaped your view all this time. Your eyes widen. The phrase ‘You shouldn’t have’ was at the tip of your tongue but you stop yourself from blurting it out.

Instead, you say, “Thank you Zen. This is such a lovely gift.”

“You’ve been such a wonderful mother, making sure that Haneul has all she needs. That she’s showered with affection. That the tears in her eyes don’t stay there for long even when you’re hurting or tired. You always put her first.” He places a hand over yours. “I’ve seen the sacrifices you’ve made for her and marvel at how one person can be so strong.”

You’ve honestly come to hate how easy it is to make you cry these days, but you can’t help how your eyes are suddenly so watery at his words and how they’re soothing all your insecurities. You can no longer accuse him of not understanding them, not when he’s been here all this time.

Seeing how distressed you seem to be, he then bends forward intently and stage whispers. “You’re making it so hard not to fall even more in love with you every day you know.” The blush comes back in full force before he adds. “Besides, it’s a small thing to do for the woman who has done everything for my favorite little girl.” He winks at you, trying to lighten the mood. Before you can respond, Haneul gives a soft little mewl signaling that she’s now awake. You move to stand but he shakes his head. “Let me get her. You go rest a little.”

Zen stands and you watch him. He bends over Haneul and presses his mouth on her tummy, blowing air against her skin which makes her laugh. You’re not in love with Zen. And you don’t want to conveniently fall in love with him either just because he’s here and he’s wonderful. You still long for Jumin with every fiber of your being. But you think it wouldn’t be so bad if one day you would.

-.-.-.-

_I’ve already given my heart to you._

_My love won’t stop until the day my heart stops. – Jumin Han, Day 10 Phonecall_

-.-.-.-

You bury your face in the pillow, squealing like an overzealous female. You just got off the phone with Jumin, having finally come back into the apartment from an extended stay in his penthouse. The past few days have been the start of your own whirlwind romance. Who knew that the corporate heir you just read about in magazines and occasionally saw in TV is now your boyfriend!

Jumin Han. Your  _boyfriend._

You scream into the pillow, your voice muffled and your heart in overdrive. This is beyond anything you can ever dream of. Meeting him you thought he was so much colder than you expected. But the more you talked to him, the more you think he was plainly misunderstood. It was easy for you to see right through him and know that behind the emotionless veneer was really someone that just never really confronted his feelings.That was probably why you were able to be so patient and understanding with him even when, at some points, his possessiveness became a little too overbearing.

And your reward? His heart.

You replay the phone conversation again in your head, replaying the cadence of his deep, sultry voice when he said ‘Yes, I love you my beautiful soul.’ You scream again at the memory, kicking your legs in an overflow of excitement and joy. With a red face and a wide smile, you open the messenger to log on hoping he was online.

-.-.-.-

_Jumin: Zen. Someday, if something happens to me, protect MC for me. You’ll become more famous now. Sometimes popularity can be more powerful than money. I….trust the power you’ll acquire soon…so you’ll be able to protect MC if something happens._

_Zen: Don’t worry. I protect my friends._

-.-.-.-

The first time the rumors get to Zen, he was caught a little bit off guard. He still can’t believe that people are interested in him enough to dig around his personal life. The news came from one of his female coworkers during the cast celebration of his new drama.

“Seonbaaeeee…” Zen smiles politely at the girl. She has always been too clingy and obvious with her affections and he’s had a little bit of trouble dodging her advances without being impolite. “I’ve heard something worrisommeee…” She pouts up at him.

Zen smiles, making sure to watch her unstable form carefully in case she topples over. He really thinks it’s a bad idea for girls to get really drunk while wearing high heels, no matter how much he appreciates the aesthetics of it. “Oh? What is it?” His manager keeps telling him that he’s too nice and that it’s okay not to humor girls like Mi Sun but it isn’t in Zen’s nature to be so harsh.

Which is why he leans forward when she motions to whisper in his ear. “That you’re having sex with Jumin Han’s widow.”

Her speech is slurred and the sound of the party underway made her words a little bit difficult to understand, but Zen is always extremely sensitive when words like ‘Jumin Han’s widow’ is mentioned. And he couldn’t prevent his wince at the crudeness of it. Patiently and still ever so politely, he pulls away and waves his hands to dismiss the thought. “That’s certainly not true. When have I ever slept around, with a friend’s wife, no less?” His heart twinges a little at the thought. Though he isn’t all that traditional, he also isn’t promiscuous despite the number of propositions he gets on a regular basis (which exponentially increased now that he’s famous). And until you're in love with him, he certainly does not want any claim to your body. Even if it was so hard to practice self control around you especially when...okay, he needs to stop these thoughts right now or else the best in him will awaken.

He misses Mi Sun's babbling with his train of thought until she squeezes his arm and starts pouting up at him, wide eyed and coquettish. “Buutttt Yu na-ssi kept talking about it at our table. She saysss that’s why you’ve stopped flirting with her. Were you flirting with her, Zen Seonbae?”

Zen admits that he was a little bit attracted to Yu Na, his co-lead. During filming especially before Jumin’s death, he was being extra attentive to her even though he never asked her out on a date. However, he’s made it a personal rule, especially after that Echo Girl debacle, to not date co-stars during filming but he did have plans of pursuing something more after. Thankfully the schedule of this drama is a little bit different in the sense that the director and the studio opted to film all episodes before airing which is part of why he was attracted to the project in the first place. It meant that ratings and fan service would be a secondary priority over story telling. His plans changed though, when he suddenly found you once again single. It was the last thing he ever wanted. Even up to now, he'd want to spare you the heartache if he could at the expense of his own (still theoretical) happiness.

Seeing his silence as an assent and feeling a little neglected, Mi Sun grabs Zen’s arm and shakes it, “Sunbaeee, tell me it isn’t true.”

Zen decides that it would be best not to add fuel to the fire by admitting the complete truth. “Yu na and I are just friends. MC and I are the same. Similar to you and I, Mi Sun-ssi.” He smiles and gently pats her on the arm. “I’m sorry, I hope you excuse me. The director is waving for me to come over.” He gives her his most charming smile before heading over to the table of the director and the crew.

From here on out, he has to be extra careful. If anyone finds out that the both of you are living under one roof, your reputation would be in tatters and he doesn’t want to dishonor you in any way.

-.-.-.

_Baek-il_

_The 100 th day celebration for children and mothers . Long ago in Korea childhood diseases were common and the survival rate for new born babies was very low. The 100th day is considered a milestone for babies and families traditionally celebrate them by presenting offerings and praying for the child’s wellbeing._

-.-.-.-

No one talks about the propriety of holding a celebration during the grieving period because despite how Jumin treats his employees, everyone also knew how much of a family man he is. Honoring his and your wishes, however, your Father-in-law desisted from throwing a huge party with all his business associates to introduce his granddaughter to his world  (securing a promise from you to do so on Haneul’s first birthday instead). Instead, you held a small, intimate gathering of close family and friends at the penthouse instead. Your own parents, unfortunately, are unable to make it being old in age and living far away

The small party of 25 meshed well and the joy and cheer was apparent in the household. Haneul, ever so curious, was primly observing the entire event, not being fussy at all as the center of attention. Now that she’s gotten a little bit bigger it becomes even more evident how she’s the carbon copy of her father. Her dark hair, grey eyes and aristocratic nose all very Jumin. Yet she inherited your openness, smiling wildly and freely, ever so trusting to anyone who picks her up. And she's especially attached to Mr. Chairman who spoils her completely. He picks her up and she giggles, moving her arms up and down in glee at being held.

“You seem happy.” It was Saeyoung who, for the occasion, decided to wear cat ears with his usual attire.

“How can I not be? Everyone’s having a good time, especially Haneul.” You reach out and touch the left ear, feeling the felt fabric briefly. “Remind me again why you thought this was necessary?”

He rolls his eyes as if it was very cumbersome for him to explain probably because he had to repeat himself to every guest in this room. “Because Jumin loves cats and Jumin loves his daughter but Jumin can’t be here. Ergo, to celebrate and teach Haneul about the wonderful world of cats is a responsibility that only Uncle Saeyoung can fulfill. Because clearly Zen is lacking in educating her.” He takes a sip of his juice. “You really won’t tell me where you’ve kept Elly?”

You shake your head. “Nope. And don’t you dare try hacking into the systems to find out. I’ve given all the bodyguards your photo dressed as a man and a woman. Plus I hired snipers.”

His eyebrows disappear against his hairline, “Snipers? Is that really necessary MC?” He’s dragging out your name as a whine and it’s obvious to you what he’s up to.

“Yes, Saeyoung. If you don’t behave, I’ll tell both Saeran and Jaehee on you and you’ll be stuck at a corner the entire night unable to move an inch.”

He shudders at this. Saeran and Jaehee did get along, bonding over their mutual satisfaction in keeping him in line. “Fine, fine, I’ll play nice. But one day, you’ll see, I’ll get my chance.” He’s doing the villain laugh now, making you giggle.

“See if Jumin won’t start haunting you if you do.” It’s been over five months since your husband died. Every day, your heart still aches that he isn’t around. You still reach out every morning on his side of the bed, hoping you’d grasp something solid instead of just cold air. Every time Haneul does something new, like push herself up with her fore arms or garble something almost coherent, you still get tears in your eyes wishing Jumin could be here to see. But you’ve also learned to grasp at the joy that is still around you and the love that you continue to receive.

You catch Zen’s eyes, patient and warm, looking over at you. He gives a small wave and excuses himself from the conversation he was having with your college friends before walking over to you. “Hey, sorry I’m late.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine. I know you have press work nowadays."

“Gahhhh.” Saeyoung sighs, shoulders crouched as if burdened. “And you left Jaehee, Yoosung and I do all the party prep. What’s the point of your muscles if we can’t use them to lift stuff?”

You slap Saeyoung’s arm. “You didn’t do any heavy lifting! You basically bossed Yoosung around to do it.”

“But that’s because I don’t have any strength. Except finger strength. I hack, remember?”

You narrow your eyes at him. No one still knows what Saeyoung does but you're pretty sure he's much more physically capable than he lets on.

“So…if I challenge you to a thumb wrestle, you’d win?” Zen was already rolling up his sleeves in preparation even before Seven responds.

Saeyoung smirks, “You’re on, narcissist. Let me whoop your ass.”

You roll your eyes as they start. On round three, they were starting to get rowdy and the sound was attracting your daughter who almost commanded your Father-in-law through waving and loud sounds to carry her in your direction. When she gets there though, she reaches out for Zen instead of you.

“Baaaa” Haneul says, arms reaching up as she wriggles in her Grandfather’s arms.

Zen forgets the competition immediately and turns to her. “Oh hello Princess. I’m sorry, I haven’t given you proper attention yet, have I? Especially since it’s your Baek-il?” He takes Haneul and bows to your Father-in-law in respect. The man claps him on the shoulder, good natured and relaxed before moving on to entertain his girlfriend.

Haneul happily gurgles at Zen. “I think Zen will be the one haunted by Jumin tonight seeing how close he’s gotten to his daughter.”

You smile as you tug Haneul’s dress down, smoothing it out so it would look better. “I think Jumin would be happy someone is showering Haneul with the love he can’t physically give.” You smile at Zen, your gratitude in your eyes.

It is still hard to wrap your head around Zen’s feelings towards you. And yet, it felt so natural that between taking care of Haneul and struggling with your grief, you barely give it much thought. You’d think you would be awkward depending on a man that has openly confessed to you and yet, Zen has been so integrated in your routine that it was hard to picture him out of it. You’re pretty sure you would have had a much more miserable time if he wasn’t around.

So, you say, “The Baek-il is his celebration as much as it is Haneul’s and I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally calming down, yes? And the format is a little different just because I wanted to touch base on what happened in the beginning and how it’s affecting MC’s present.
> 
> Definitions of the particular traditions quoted above are either lifted from Wikipedia or my own paraphrased from Google search to make it more stylistic. If I made a mistake on them, please feel free to point it out.
> 
> Also, Mi Sun was desperately trying to get Zen to tell her that no, he wasn’t flirting with Yu na and no, he wasn’t sleeping with MC because he only had eyes for his one and only Mi Sun. Poor Mi Sun.
> 
> Some Korean terms:  
> Seonbae – honorific used to address colleagues with more experience, of a superior rank or mentor figures  
> Miyeok guk – Seaweed Soup. Korean mothers often eat this with every meal so this wasn’t really that surprising for MC.  
> Baekseolgi – White Rice Cake symbolizing sacredness


	13. Selfishness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. I have been missing for quite a bit. Work and writer’s block has kept me from posting a new chapter on time, but I hope this makes up for it. Thank you guys for continuing to support this fic. Your kudos and reviews spur me to write more.  
> This is edited only once so I apologize for any mistakes I’ve made.

You’re sitting here in the dark, running your fingers through Haneul’s smooth hair. She’s growing up too quickly for your taste. You can’t believe its actually been over half a year since you gave birth to her and she’s already able to gurgle out semi-coherent syllables. What's more is that she’s become a significant source of strength, your daughter. There were days when getting up from the bed seemed like such an impossible task, but the idea of leaving Haneul to fend for herself always spurs you to action.

Sometimes, though, you still wish for something else to look forward to.

These were thoughts you don’t dare dwell on lest you undergo another breakdown like you’ve had before. The struggle, for its joys, does not decrease as time passes. Instead, time is taking a strain on your endurance and making it more difficult for you to hold on.

But as all things that are difficult, they are the most rewarding.

You’re reminded of this as Haneul gives out a long, huge yawn ending in an impish smile. She is such a beautiful baby and a constant reminder of your late husband. You lean forward and place a kiss on Haneul’s soft, supple cheek in a bid to distract yourself from the depressing thoughts that are slowly creeping in. This is how you deal with your loss these days, by pushing it at the back of your mind. Acknowledging that dwelling about Jumin’s death is a futile process that only worries the people around you. You don’t think a standard grieving period exists, but you also certainly don’t want to burden the them any more than you have.

You stroke Haneul’s head one last time before exiting her room. Once at the hallway, you see a soft glow coming from the kitchen. Thinking you left the refrigerator door open, you move towards the area. What greets you though is a pleasant surprise.

-.-.-.-

Zen pushes the shades closer to his face, head ducked down as if admiring the bouquet he was holding. He feels a little self-conscious. He isn’t used to slinking about like this, too honest and open to ever hide even when the press gets a little too crazy. But he’s decided to do everything he can to protect you even if it means creeping about in a cap, shades and face mask.

This almost desperate desire to do something he isn''t used to is simply a consequence of his feelings. Feelings that grew and bloomed beyond his control, irreversibly attracted to the kind of person that you were. The desire to make you happy was also instinctual and often self-sacrificing. But that was love, a love that Zen is unable to regret.

Today is an especially special day. So special that he has to always emphasize, even in his head, how special it is. And, being quite the expressive guy, its specialness shouldn’t just be confined to thoughts and even words.

So he decided to skip the last round of his rehearsal, a throwback to his rebel days. Besides, he was confident with his performance, having already nailed it the during the last five runs. If worse comes to worse, he’ll just charm his way out of trouble.

In his excitement at what he’s planning for you, there’s a skip in his step he has to constantly suppress in favor of keeping a low profile. Oh, the difficulties of trying to be unnoticeable when you have such overflowing star power.

He does arrive at the penthouse without any fanfare a little past eleven, barely enough time to prepare what he has planned but he was going to push it anyway.

His footsteps are light and quiet as he enters the penthouse. He hears you shuffling about in Haneul’s room and he’s careful to stick to walls and crouch down behind couches to remain out of sight (the sneaking skill he’s acquired doing the spy movie Mission Impossible Identity).

He gets to work as swiftly and quietly as possible, hoping you’d be detained enough in Haneul’s room until he was done.

He ties the last bow and hears the door to Haneul’s room click shut. In large strides, he quickly lights the candle and positions himself near the door where you would enter the kitchen. When he sees you he starts to sing.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you.”

-.-.-.-

The glow of soft candles in the room casts a gentle light on Zen’s immaculate features, further highlighted by the sparkly candle on the cake he was holding. There was a proud smile on his face, pleased with himself, no doubt, at how he pulled off this surprise.

“You…remembered. I even forgot.” You feel teary eyed again, touched instead of sad, tears of joy instead of sorrow. You haven’t been looking after yourself, afraid of being too selfish, thinking there wasn’t any time to indulge when you had a daughter to raise that depended on you completely. Too shy to ask for a little love and attention and understanding from people who’ve poured out too many things throughout this most difficult period of your life. Too guilty and helpless at worrying them and wanting to feel responsible for your own problems.

“Hey, hey, no crying.” Zen is pouting now, not at all as stern as he’s trying to make himself out to be. He lifts the cake up to focus your attention towards it. “Come on now, make a wish and then blow the candle. Birthday wishes are special, after all.”

You swipe a thumb underneath each eye to clear it. Taking a deep breath, you close them to make a wish but your heart feels full and any wish that you might have had is something you already know to be impossible. So you wish that Haneul would live a full life with joy and love instead.

You blow your candle and as Zen pulls away, you see the entirety of what he’s done. There were roughly 50 balloons on the kitchen ceiling and at the end of the ribbons hanging from them were various photographs. At places where the balloons won’t reach, there were different sized candles strewn about. The soft glow seemed like the perfect frame for the food conveniently at the center of the table.

Zen sets the cake in a place on the table as you take your time to look at the photos. Most of them were familiar, taken from either the albums in the living room or from press photos and events. But there were some that you haven’t seen before: a picture of you in that blue gown during your first RFA party, of you refereeing a fight between Saeran and Saeyoung, of you looking up at Jumin with love and adoration as he kisses the back of your hand, of the first day you were able to hold Haeul, and more pictures that you certainly didn’t take. You were about to ask about them when you realize that these moments were Zen’s in the silent way that he’s loved you all these years.

You take a seat at the table in front of him. “You did all these? For me?”

He shrugs in the classic, nonchalant way that makes whatever he’s done seem effortless. “I just wanted to celebrate you. Not just you as Haneul’s Mom, but _you._ ” His face is so open and so honest and you think he’s deriving so much joy at being able to express how he feels about you so freely.

You smile at him, just as open and just as honest and just as brilliant. Even in your pajamas with no make-up on, it takes Zen’s breath away. “Thank you. You…have no idea how much this means to me.” You reach out and rub a petal between your index and your forefinger from the bouquet that was lying on the table.

Sensing something a heavy in the atmosphere, Zen pries, “What do you mean?”

You take a deep breath and, trying not to be too emotional, you say, “I love my daughter. I do. I would not trade her for the world. But sometimes I want to focus on me too. I haven’t been out by myself for so long to a spa or a salon or even just to have dinner with friends. It’s always either looking after Haneul or preventing myself from wallowing in Jumin’s death.” You don’t look Zen in the eye as you release a short laugh that you don’t really mean. “I’m sorry. That’s a little selfish isn’t it? I shouldn’t say things like this.”

You’re not screaming or crying or snapping at him this time, so that’s a relief but there’s one thing that he still isn’t happy about.

“I’m disappointed. Didn’t I tell you to rely on me more?”

He moves to your side of the table and takes the stool beside you. He slouches down so you’re eye level with each other. “It’s okay for you to be a little selfish. And you shouldn’t be able to feel guilty about wanting to take time for yourself. You’ve given Haneul so much, playing the role of both her Mom and her Dad.” He reaches forward to brush loose hair away from your face. “Being tired is nothing to be ashamed of.”

You release a heavy sigh. “Is it bad of me to wish things were easier?”

He shakes his head, “The answer to that is no too.” He cups your cheek. “I know it’s hard and I’m incredibly amazed at how strong you’ve been these past few months. But when you do feel overwhelmed by everything please do not forget that you are loved.”

Whether he means Haneul or himself, you don’t care to distinguish. Instead you ask, “Is it terribly selfish of me to ask you to wait?”

There is a little bit of pleading to your tone. Zen has been a source of strength and you would be lying if you say you wouldn’t want to keep drawing from it. Still, it feels as if you’re taking advantage of him in some way but you can’t help it.

“I’ve been waiting for you when I knew I had no chance. How much more now that I know I actually have a shot?”

You cover his hand that was cupping your cheek with both your own. “Thank you Zen. I promise that I won’t string you along unnecessarily. But I want you to know that right now, I am looking your way.”

He smiles at you and nods his head. “That’s all I’m asking for.” He kisses your forehead ever so gently and moves back to his original seat. “Now come on, let’s eat.”

You feel a little band snapping around your heart. You’re not exactly free yet to fully love, confined willingly to the lingering emotions of your once in a lifetime, but you don’t feel so constrained by it either. The future, it seems, still has something bright to hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer’s block plagued me for this but I found it turned out really sweet in the end. I’m so glad because things are starting to get more clear to me about the particulars. I hope you don’t think things have become suddenly so boring now that I’m not trying to make you cry. :)


	14. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yes, I am still alive. And yes, this story is still getting written because I want to see through it until the end. This is too lovely of a story for me to not see it through. So I hope you like the new chapter! Again unedited so you might catch errors and changes every so often as I keep re-reading the chapter.
> 
> I played the Valentine’s and April Fools After Endings after I posted the last chapter (I posted it Feb 1) and was surprised that (SPOILER, STOP NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED ZEN’S AND JUMIN’S VALENTINE’S AFTER ENDINGS) a) Zen used balloons and flowers like how I made him do it in the previous chapter and b) Jumin just came from a business trip. He went home early. He said home wasn’t complete without the both of them together. In the context of this fic, this is so heart breaking. Gah.
> 
> I’m glad I’m being consistent with what’s still coming out from Cheritz. I do adore these little add ons and I keep spending money on the game to encourage them to release more. V route and Unknown next please? And maybe a Rika one?

“Oh, hey Jaehee. To what do I owe this visit?” Zen just finished taping a segment for a talk show and is surprised at how he found Jaehee waiting in his dressing room.

She looked a little troubled, the crease on her forehead deep. “I couldn’t concentrate.” She muttered, as if that explained it all. She then heaves a heavy breath as if steeling herself for something before saying, “There are rumors.”

He leans back, half sitting on the make-up table, crossing one long leg over the other outstretched one. That wasn’t anything new. Zen’s career is flourishing and rumors about everything and anything surround him. He’s long ago tuned it out, mature enough now to accept that he cannot please everyone even if it still hurts every time someone says something bad about him.

“What about?” He still can’t wrap his head at how someone as successful as Jaehee, now a Marketing Director in the biggest company in the country, is his fan. But he can’t not appreciate the support she gives him.

“It’s about you and MC. People are getting suspicious of your closeness. Apparently a few fans saw you enter the penthouse building and not leave until the next day.” Her lips are in a thin line showing her displeasure. She has contemplated telling MC about this as it is her home, but the new mother already has too much on her plate. Jaehee would save her the stress any way she could.

Zen sighs and combs his fingers through his bangs making them stick out. “One of my co-stars mentioned it too. Maybe I should have been more careful and used face masks and hoodies. Or at least, entered the back door.” He hates hiding. He’s never wanted to be the guy that snuck around despite how famous he’s now become. He never believes there’s any reason to deprive the world of his beauty even for a second.

Both of them weigh the situation heavily for a moment.

It was Zen who breaks it. He heaves a heavy sigh, contemplating something. Deciding to bite the bullet, and knowing Jaehee would understand, he adds, “I love her.”

Jaehee has long realized that Zen is a beautiful man but what makes him truly extra ordinary is his earnestness. This is part of why she is such a big fan of his. “I know.” Her smile is a little bit impish. She doesn’t have much of a chance to tease the other members, especially Zen.

Zen’s mouth drops open. Whatever worries he has about these rumors instantly flying out the window. “Wha-how did you..”

Jaehee laughs. “I’ve known for years. You look at her the same way Mr. Han looked at her: like she’s the entire world.” Talking about feelings isn’t Jaehee’s expertise. The only person she can actually share her real thoughts and emotions with is MC herself. Though she considers herself to be good friends with all of the RFA members, her and MC have a deeper kind of friendship. Jaehee would hazard to call it being best friends, even. “We are all a little in awe of her, I think. But the two of you watch her with so much wonder and care and love.”

Maybe he wasn’t as good as concealing his feelings as he initially thought. But then again, when you love someone and go out of your way to look out for them your feelings were bound to show. Easily, he dismisses the concern with a wave of a hand. “Okay, that’s true. So…how are we going to fix this?”

Jaehee sighs. All careers, she thinks, boils down to finding a problem and solving it. Working under Jumin has made her an expert at finding solutions and this is one that she’s wanted to bring up to Zen and MC for a while now. She just hates being the bearer of bad news.

-.-.-.-

You hear Haneul’s cry of glee from the general area of the living room as you step out of the shower. You follow the sound after you’re in casual house clothes. Ruffling a towel through your hair as you walk, you catch Zen and your baby playing. Haneul has her legs outstretched and Zen is holding her underneath her arm pits so he could bounce her over his knee as if she’s jumping. When he stops, he makes a funny sound with his lips which makes her laugh again. She reaches for him with a saliva coated fist, patting him on the cheek.

“Looks like you won another girl with your charms.” You say with a fond smile as you sit down on the love seat beside the couch absently reaching out with your towel to rub the saliva off Zen’s cheek and then Haneul’s fist. Haneul gurgles at you briefly but turns her rapt attention back to Zen as if you, her mother, only merit a fraction of her attention.

“At least I know she doesn’t like me just for my looks. Instead, it’s my ability to make multiple funny sounds and how willing I am to sing to her.” Haneul tries to bounce on her own but doesn’t gain much traction without Zen’s support. So he resumes the motion and is rewarded with another gurgle of glee.

“I never thought you’d be this good with kids.”

Zen looks at you, “She’s your baby. I’d make every effort to get along with her.” You blush and look away, still not used to how intense and upfront Zen is with his feelings.

Haneul makes a little fuss, not wanting Zen’s attention to be anywhere else but on her which makes you laugh. “She gets that possessiveness from her Father.” Jumin is gone and he’s going to miss so much of his child’s life and that still brings a pang of pain in your heart.

You see Zen looking at you again, this time as if gauging your tendency to cry at the moment.

 “I have plans.” You suddenly say. “I want us to move into the house Jumin prepared. He had that especially built because he wanted a back yard for our kids to play in. I think it’s only right that Haneul would get to enjoy it growing up.” He nods, sensing that talking like this is therapeutic for you. “I’ll also probably take an online assistant job, the kind that won’t require me to leave the house. Jumin left us more money than I could possibly spend but I want to save as much of it for Haneul’s future. I’m good at organizing things and convincing people with much practice from doing the RFA parties anyway.”

You release a heavy breath. Zen stills Haneul and instead cradles her in his arms, attention fully on you.

“It’s going to be hard, isn’t it? To find my footing again. But Jumin is gone and I have to accept that this wish for him to be here won’t come true. That holding on to this hope that one day he’ll just walk through those doors, scraggly and unkempt but alive. Apologizing for his lateness. Telling him he’s finally home. Those are just dreams. And the last thing he would want is for me to wallow in dreams and not be happy in reality.” This wasn’t an easy realization to come to. A part of you still wishes that this is all just a bad nightmare but you’re done turning your back from reality. It’s time to face the future without him by your side.

You steel yourself up, back straight and with a smile on your face. “I think the reason why losing Jumin hurts so much is because I was loved by him so deeply. And I can’t be miserable about that forever. The only way to thank him for the love he’s given me is to live a happy life and to love Haneul just as much as he loved me.”

From somewhere in your heart you think Jumin is giving you his most brilliant smile.

-.-.-.-

You and Zen were sharing a cup of tea late into the night shortly after Haneul has settled down. These days she’s a little bit more restless brought about by the onset of her teething period. Motherhood has been nothing but one weary, tiring, restless stage after another but you wouldn’t trade such joy of caring and loving your baby for anything.

Zen puts his cup down and clears his throat. “MC?”

You raise an eyebrow, your own cup against your lips, “Mmmm?”

“I’m moving out in the morning. Heading back to my old apartment.” He looks a little afraid, thinking you’ll take this as his abandonment.

You frown. “Did I do something wrong? Is…being here with me too hard for you?”

He shakes his head vehemently and reaches out to take your free hand which forces you to put your cup back on the table. His own hand is warm and rough and you wonder when it became so comforting.

“People have been talking. And you know I don’t normally care about scandals but…they involve you. I just don’t want to drag you and Haneul into this.” He and Jaehee had a long talk on how to approach this. In the end, Zen wanted to be completely honest. He is famouse and so are you and people were bound to talk. So no matter how unpleasant this is, living in separte houses is inevitable.

Besides, some of the words some people have said about you made his blood boil. He doesn’t ever want you to face that knowing how unfair and far from the truth they were. So he would shield you as much as he can from the pain.

Despite his best efforts and vague words, you ask about it anyway. “And what are they saying?”

Zen squeezes your hand. “Just…things. Unfair words meant to hurt. None of which is any part of you.”

There’s an awkward pause as your mind goes through what those things could possibly be.

Seeing your troubled face, Zen shifts gears, “I love you. Even when you weren’t looking my way. I love you even when you feel you’re unlovable. And this is how I know I will love no one else but you. I loved you when you were just a name in the messenger. I loved you when I first laid eyes on you. I loved you when you belonged to someone else. I loved you as a wife, even if you weren’t mine. I love you as a mother. I love you as a widow. I love you for who you are and I will love you for who you become. I love you enough to let you go once because my love wants nothing more than to see you happy.”

You blush at the sudden and unexpected declaration. “Zen, what---“

He raises his free hand to stop you. “Nothing they say will change what I feel about you. I just don’t want to ruin your reputation or have them think that you’re jumping from one RFA member to another without any discretion. You don’t deserve being dragged through the mud like that.”

He runs his hand thumb lightly over your knuckles before releasing your hand. There’s a pit in your stomach forming both at the sudden loss of his warmth and the idea that the two of you won’t be having moments like these starting tomorrow. But you can’t depend on Zen to be with you forever. He deserves to live his own life as the single man he rightfully is.  


“Besides,” his tone is suddenly much lighter. He plants his elbow on the table and props his head on his hand. “I kind of want to do this with you traditionally. I want to pick you up at your door step with flowers. To share our first kiss at your front door step. I want to miss you when I get home and text you saying so. I want to long for the days when we’re able to sleep under the same roof, in the same bed knowing we’re choosing to spend the rest of our lives together.” He winks. He’s cheeky and confident and honestly incredibly charming.

You decide to surprise him by leaning forward across the table to plant a quick kiss on his cheek. “I want that too. For us. Someday.”

It effectively erased his smug expression. Instead, he’s opening and closing his mouth like a fish, eyes wide and cheeks stained pink. You laugh at the sight. You know that when you’re ready to be in love again, it was going to be with this sweet, honest, caring, devoted, protective man right in front of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Zen. You adorable sweetheart you. I think I swooned writing this because Zen, you are just such a cutie.
> 
> As usual, reviews make me bright and happy and keep me writing so do drop me a comment!  Also pardon the inconsistent tenses. I’m combing through it to make it more consistent!


	15. To Love Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the patience! I got an even bigger, expanded role in the office and barely have any leisure time which is why it took so long. I haven’t even started the V route yet! Also, this was the hardest chapter to write. It came in bursts of inspiration every so often and even then I had very little time to flesh it out. But I hope this meets your expectations.
> 
> This does contain one line which is a spoiler for the Jumin’s Valentine’s Day route. I’m sorry, but it felt too precious not to include it here.
> 
> This is unreviewed and unbeta’d and you’d probably see some parts of the text change as I keep re-reading it.

**Chapter 15: To Love Again**

“Hello Jumin,” you greet him with a warm smile. You’ve just finished the ceremonial part of your visit and now you wanted to have a relaxed conversation with your deceased husband. “it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry we haven’t been able to visit as often but things have gotten quite busy around the house.”

You fidget on your legs, a little guilty, but you continue to ramble on.

“Business has been great. I never thought that I would flourish as a Wedding Coordinator but I guess my experience in the RFA and our whirlwind of a wedding did come in handy. It’s very fulfilling for me to jump start a couple’s happily ever after. It reminds me of us and how I felt in our own wedding.”

A pause.

“I can hear your voice in my head, you know. I know you don’t want me to work. You’ve provided far too much for both Haneul and I but taking advantage of that still makes me feel guilty. Besides, you know being idle is not my thing even if you think raising Haneul is already a full time job.” You sigh knowing he’d argue his point if he was here until he wears you down but he’s not here and you have to live your life the best you know how.

“Being a Mom is much harder than I imagined and doing this without you, even more so.” You smile bitterly. There are nights when you still miss him so much it hurts.

“Haneul is four now. She’s quite curious and she loves hearing stories about her Father. She always asks about you every time she sees a picture or when we visit your shrine in the study. She has expensive taste, just like you which is probably a result of her Grandfather spoiling her to no end. She’s asking for a pony for her birthday this year but that isn’t something that’s on the table.” You have no doubt that Haneul would get that pony in a heartbeat if Jumin is alive but that is not something you even want to consider. Besides, your daughter needs to hear the word ‘no’ every so often.

 “She’s performing ballet for her school recital this weekend. She’s been practicing every night in her room by herself saying she wants to make you proud.”

You run a hand over the surface of the cold tombstone.

“She loves you so much Jumin. So do I. And we know you love us too.”

That night you take the wedding ring off your finger, place a gentle kiss on it and tuck it inside the crystal jewelry box it came in. Jumin is undoubtedly your soul mate and you know your love for him will never fade but you also know that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.

\-------

_“I love you. Our bodies may be apart but our hearts will always be together.” Jumin – Valentine’s Day After Ending_

\------

Four year old Haneul was a vision in a pink tutu spread that was spread out around her bubbly bottom and a diamond crown on her head. (Yes, the crown was made of real diamonds. You don’t think Jumin would ever forgive you if you let his child wear something fake. He keeps saying ‘Our baby deserves only the best.’ in your head.)

“Daddy Zen!” Her adrenaline rush is obvious in her voice, high pitched and loud despite the din of other families celebrating backstage. But then again, maybe it was just because the room suddenly grew quiet after Haneul’s outburst. Zen is a top actor now, not to mention hottest bachelor alive, and even married women can’t resist gawking at him. It doesn't help matters that he never bothers to hide his presence, shining even in a school auditorium full of little kids. It worries you sometimes how famous your baby is by association but it was as much an unfortunate consequence of her high-profiled Father as it is her currently more famous Daddy. What's worse is that Zen has been rubbing off of Haneul enough for her to relish the attention.

This flair for the dramatics is even more apparent when she dashes through the quiet room and straight into Zen’s open arms straight after her exclamation. There was a bouquet of large soft yellow roses and calla lilies in Zen's hand that he barely managed to hold on to in favor of supporting Haneul’s enthusiastic greeting.

“Hey there, princess.” He hefts her up and she immediately clings to his neck, pressing her chubby cheek against his.

“You made it! I didn’t think you were gonna go.” She giggles gleefully, bouncing in Zen’s arms with unspent energy.

You shake your head as you approach from behind Zen. It will be a pain to keep her still the entire day but it was worth it to watch her shine during her school recital. “Well hello to you too, sweetheart.” You’re too used to Haneul having tunnel vision when it came to Zen that it no longer bothers you how often you were ignored in his presence.

“Mother!” She tries to move over Zen’s shoulder towards you and you immediately reach up to hold her arm to prevent her from falling. Zen deals with Haneul’s fidgeting easily, twisting around so they're facing you. Haneul starts bouncing happily in his arms again, shouting, “Mother, mother, motheri! did you see how good I was?”

You laugh at her enthusiasm. “Of course I did sweetheart. You were amazing out there. You practiced really hard, didn’t you?”

She nods solemnly as if that little dance of ‘Pretty Ballerina’ was the peak achievement in her entire life. You still think that spot is reserved for when she learned to use the potty by herself. “Very very hard. Do you think Father liked it up in heaven?”

It was Zen who answers on your behalf, “I’m pretty sure your Father loved it, Haneul.”

There’s a soft, warm feeling in your heart as Zen shows Haneul her flowers and she trills in his arms, hearts in her eyes. Despite her Father being gone, your daughter has never wanted for love and neither have you.

\------

You develop a habit of watching Zen.

It isn’t like you do it on purpose. He’s a man that commands the attention of everyone in any room after all. But every time you’re in the same space you’re eyes are reflexively drawn to his. And apparently his own automatically wanders to yours.

He was the one who took Hanuel to playschool this morning, much to her delight. She relishes being the center of his attention and insists being in his presence as often as possible. After having her show him off to all of her playschool friends, he comes back to the house and the both of you enjoy a quiet brunch before starting your work for the day.

You're settled in the study, cups of coffee littered everywhere. You're busy on the phone talking to one of the suppliers for a wedding next month when you swivel in your chair. Zen was reading a script, mouthing words and making expressions silently as he practices. You observe him as usual as you start saying half-hearted, mindless responses on the phone as you get caught up with the way his eyes seem to smolder through the script as he reads it.

He catches on.

At one particular line, he raises his head and stares at you giving you his best, most seductive expression and mouthing what seems to be ‘I want you. Your body. Your soul. Your heart. Will you let me have you?’

Your mouth drops open at his audacity and he silently chuckles pointing to the script.

You hastily say goodbye to the person you were talking to on the phone, scowling at Zen.

He stands. There was a playful glint in his eyes, almost predatory.

He traps you on the chair by planting both his hands on the arm rest, his form crouched over you. “I knew it. You love me.” His smile is wide and confident, almost smug. Zen is a good actor and you would believe his bravado if you didn’t know him so well.

Because there was the slight change in pitch in the way he said the words. How his playfulness was a little too saccharine sweet and how his eyes couldn't quite seem to hold yours for very long.

Though the thought of being able to see right through such a good actor pleases you, you’re not all too happy with what those little nuances mean. Because his body language is telling you that he’s unsure. The worst part is that he has good reason to doubt your feelings. You’ve never openly expressed them what he means to you. It’s been years since he confessed and every single moment that he can, he tells you of his undying love. It's only logical that your silence might be making him a little insecure.

Quickly you reach up and grab his face with both your hands planting his lips on yours. It's a little clumsy. Your noses bump, and the press of your lips is a little harsh and he tries to pull away in shock but your hands are steady and insistent until his heart catches up with his head and he finally _finally_ kisses you back. Your arms snake around his neck while his wrap around your waist lifting you slightly from the chair as you practically meld against each other.

You break apart a few minutes later, breathing heavy and cheeks burning red from exertion. You realize that _everything_ Zen does is with passion. You’re trying to catch your breath but it’s increasingly hard while Zen is looking so darn seductive. His lips are puckered and swollen, his hair disheveled, and his eyes have taken a darker almost blood red hue that makes it plain and clear how much he desires you.

You’re a woman and you’re in love with this beautiful man so this insane want pooling in the pit of your stomach is absolutely natural, right?

You almost jump him when he speaks, voice deeper and huskier than you’ve ever heard. “You love me.” There was no more hesitation in his voice when he says it. And the revelation relieves you.

“I do.” You smile at him, pleased with yourself because finally you can make him as happy as he makes you.

You’re hoisted from the chair in a heartbeat and you’re forced to wrap your legs around his waist and look down at him as he says, “Let me hear it then.”

You brush his bangs back from his forehead gently, your fingertips trailing across his hair line. “I love you, Hyun Ryu. For your unwavering chivalry. For the way you’ve always watched me with kind eyes and an even kinder smile. I love you for loving me with everything you have, holding nothing back despite how it must have been breaking your heart for the longest time. I love you for the way you hold my child, the way you make her smile, the way her little hands reach out for you every single time knowing she is cared for and safe. I love you for your passion and your dedication to your job and your refusal to compromise. I love you for who you are and everything you could be.”

This love was not instant or easy. Jumin was your soulmate, you’re absolutely certain of this. He was that once in a lifetime love, one that you’ve instinctually recognized the moment you met. Zen is the love that you choose. He’s the heart that has come knocking at your door and unhesitatingly won you over. He did not come like a whirlwind to sweep you off your feet like Jumin did. He came slowly but surely, winning you over with his sincerity. People might ask you to say who you love more, but you’d say that you love them completely in different ways without one being better than the other.

You hold Zen’s face carefully, marveling at how far you’ve gone and how life has been incredibly good to you. You might not understand why things happened the way they did but despite your loss, there are also so many things that you have gained.

You press your lips to Zen’s quickly and you softly whisper. “Thank you for letting me begin again.”

**End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! This is the final chapter.  This started as a little seed planted during that last conversation in Jumin’s route. I never expected it to spawn into this darling little story that has honestly created an entire head canon within me. Originally, I only planned for this to be 11 chapters to symbolize the 11 days we fall in love with the boys within the game, but the story begged to be fleshed out even more. Beyond that, I have so many plot bunnies on how to explore this budding relationship between MC and Zen. Zen’s role in Haneul’s life. How Haneul treats Appa Zen. And even so many AUs if Jumin actually survived. Tell me if you’re curious too and we can talk about it together.  
> Finally, thank you guys for sticking with this story until the end. Thank you for the love, the tips and just a general appreciation of these wonderful boys. I truly enjoyed writing this.


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